


Hermitcraft Incorrect Quotes

by BlackRisesBlue



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Gen, Multi, Originally Posted Elsewhere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:07:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 25,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27700111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackRisesBlue/pseuds/BlackRisesBlue
Summary: I get all these off the internet, none of them are mine. There may be swearing in some of the quotes and the hermits will probably be ooc.There will be ships in this book and they will be anything, there are no set ships but you will see some more than others. Also, I only ship the minesonas' not the real life people.Updates every Sunday!
Comments: 107
Kudos: 117





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The chapter get longer after this one!

|=====|=====|

Beef: Is there anything we can do?

Etho: Well there is one thing, but it's terribly dangerous and practically illegal. So you've come to the right place!

|=====|=====|

Zedaph, after eating an eraser: MY LIFE HAS BEEN COMPLETE!

Impulse: Um... Zed are you ok?

Tango, eating his third eraser: He's fine. The shock wears off eventually.

|=====|=====|

Grian: Do you miss being on Doc's team?

Ren: No.

Grian: Why not?

Ren: Have you ever been on Doc's team?

Doc, to Scar: FASTER, FASTER, FASTER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! IT MEANS MORE FAST!!

|=====|=====|

X: Team ZIT share a braincell. Luckily, it's normally Impulse that has it.

|=====|=====|

Impulse: X, WE GOT A CODE RED!

Grian: What's a code red?

X: It means Zed has the braincell.

|=====|=====|

Hels: *default dances over Wels' corpse* lol get rekt

|=====|=====|

Ex: Did I go too far?

X: No, you went too far seven hours ago. You're going to jail.

|=====|=====|

Doc: Ren texted me "your hot"

Doc: I replied "YOU'RE hot"

Doc: Now he likes me, we have been on three dates.

Doc: All I did was point out a typo.

|=====|=====|

Wels: What's for dinner?

Jevin: Tonight I'm serving... Looks!

Biffa, banging his fist on the table: WE HAVEN'T EATEN IN THREE DAYS!!!

|=====|=====|

Mumbo: I like your name.

Grian: Thanks, I got it for my birthday.

|=====|=====|


	2. 2

|=====|=====|

Doc: How drunk was I last night?

Beef: You forgot what milk was and called it cereal water

|=====|=====|

Impulse: *holds the door open for Zed* After you

Zed: No, after you

Impulse: I insist, after you

Tango: *pushes past both of them* After me

|=====|=====|

X: How much did you spend on this date?

Wels: £400, but it's all on credit cards so it's £5 a month for the next 80 years

|=====|=====|

Ex: Are you in love with Hels?

BadTimes: No.

Ex: Then why do you keep writing B+H everywhere?

BadTimes: ...It stands for ...bitterness and hatred!

|=====|=====|

TFC: I don't have a favourite hermit.

TFC: They all annoy me equally.

|=====|=====|

Cleo: I bet you can't make a sentence without the letter a.

Joe: You thought you did something here, didn't you? Well, sorry to burst your bubble but numerous sentences could be constructed without using the first letter of the English lexicon.

Cleo: wtf Joe

|=====|=====|

X: *banging on the door* Open up!

Ex: It all started when I was a kid...

Mumbo: No, he meant-

X: Shh, let them finish.

|=====|=====|

Stress: You don't think I can fight because I'm a girl!

Ren: I don't think you can fight because you're wearing a wedding dress. Even Doc couldn't fight in that dress.

Doc: No, but I would make a ravishing bride tho.

|=====|=====|

Scar: Tale as old as time~

Zed: Memes as old as vine~

Grian: Beauty and the-

Tango: YEET!

Impulse: ...Why did I sign up for this?

|=====|=====|

Keralis: I've done a lot of dumb stuff.

Bdubs: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Jevin: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Biffa: I joined you in the dumb stuff.

Wels: I TRIED TO STOP YOU DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

|=====|=====|

Hels: Pass me the pepper.

Wels: What's the magic word?

Hels: et transite vobis, impetibili mihi piperis- 

X: Just take it! Omg!

|=====|=====|

Hypno: Hey do you think I could fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

xB: You are a hazard to society.

Etho: And a coward, do twenty.

|=====|=====|

Grian: I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.

Doc: Ok but in my defense Ren bet me 15 diamonds I couldn't drink all that bleach.

Grian: That's not what I wanted-

Grian: You drank bleach!?

|=====|=====|

Iskall: What's it like dating Doc?

Ren: One time I asked him for a glass of water when he was mad at me. 

Ren: He brought me a glass of ice and said 'wait.'

|=====|=====|

Bdubs: Here you go Doc! A nice hot cup of coffee!

Doc: This is cold.

Bdubs: A nice cup of coffee.

Doc: It's horrible.

Bdubs: A cup of coffee...

Doc: Is this even coffee?

Bdubs: Cup.

|=====|=====|

Mumbo: I'm the most responsible person in this group!

Iskall: You just set our base on fire.

Mumbo: And I take full responsibility for that!

|=====|=====|


	3. 3

|=====|=====|

Scar: If I cut off my leg and swing it at you, am I hitting you or kicking you?

Cub: I think you'd mentally scar me more than anything.

|=====|=====|

Bdubs: *is bleeding*

Keralis: Quickly, what's your blood type?

Bdubs: ...B positive

Keralis: I'm trying but you're bleeding...

Doc: *in the distance* wtf...

|=====|=====|

Zed: *screams*

Grian: *screams louder to assert dominance*

Impulse: Should we stop them?

Iskall: Nah I wanna see who wins.

Tango: £10 Zed wins?

Mumbo: Oh, you're on.

|=====|=====|

X: Why would you give Ex a knife?!

Biffa: They felt unsafe.

X: Well now I feel unsafe!

Biffa:

Biffa: ...Would you like a knife?

|=====|=====|

Ex: *is happy*

Wels: What's wrong with Ex?

X: They're happy.

Wels: *on the verge of tears* I don't like it...

X: *terrified* Me neither...

|=====|=====|

Jevin: I'm not doing too well...

Jevin: I have this headache that comes and goes.

Hypno: *walks in*

Jevin: Oh, here it is again!

|=====|=====|

Hels: I'm so useless.

BadTimes: No you're not!

Ex: Yeah, you can be used as a bad example.

|=====|=====|

Biffa: Some people think I'm crazy.

Biffa: They obviously haven't met my friends.

|=====|=====|

Ren: If being attractive was a crime, I'd get a life sentence.

Etho: A life sentence?!

Etho: For a crime you didn't commit?!

|=====|=====|

Etho: Alright Beef, we tried things your way.

Beef: No we didn't

Doc: I tried it in my head and it didn't work.

|=====|=====|

Jevin: You think you're smarter than everyone else.

Wels: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else... I know I am.

|=====|=====|

Grian: I got grounded for a while week just because I came home late.

Cub: Well you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that then showing up again.

|=====|=====|

X: I think you're still experiencing the affects of your party last night.

Ex: All I drank was redbull!

X: How many?

Ex: ...Eighteen.

|=====|=====|

Keralis: This was almost a great idea!

Bdubs: You just describe like 90% of our ideas.

|=====|=====|

Beef: That sounds like a terrible plan!

Doc: Oh, we've had worse.

|=====|=====|

X: Here on Hermitcraft we strongly go by the rule "If you're going to fail, you may as well fail spectacularly"

|=====|=====|

Wels: *answers phone* Hello?

Hels: It's Hels

Wels: What did he do this time

Hels: No, it's actually me

Wels: ...What did you do this time

|=====|=====|

Cleo: I sort of did something and I need some advice but I don't want a lot of criticism.

False: And you came to me?

|=====|=====|

Scar: I trusted you!

BadTimes: ...Why?

|=====|=====|

X: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on here?

Mumbo: Well it's kinda complicated but Grian-

X: Got it. Forget I asked.

|=====|=====|

X: Just be yourself! Say something nice!

Ex: Which one? I can't do both.

|=====|=====|

Grian: I think you guys should play my parents!

X: I am not going to be your parent.

Mumbo: I'm leaving.

Grian: Great! You already know your lines!

|=====|=====|


	4. 4

|=====|=====|

Ren: Bonjour Doc. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

Doc: No, I don't want to sleep with you.

Ren: Is that what that means? Man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

|=====|=====|

Cleo: I was born and raised in England.

Grian: Which part?

Cleo: All of me except my left arm. She's Russian.

|=====|=====|

X: Ex, your smiling what happened.

Ex: Can't I just smile because I feel like it?

Hels: Grian tripped and fell down the stairs.

|=====|=====|

Doc: How tall are you?I

Grian: Height is a social construct.

Doc: So you're short.

|=====|=====|

X: I made tea.

Tfc: I don't want tea.

X: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.

Tfc: Then why did you tell me?

X: It's a conversation starter.

Tfc: It's a horrible conversation starter.

X: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

|=====|=====|

Ex: You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

Grian: Do you mean alcohol or like, with a gun?

Ex: yES

|=====|=====|

Hels: Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day.

Ex: Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Wels: That's not how-

X: Technically they're right.

Wels: Don't encourage them!

|=====|=====|

Doc: Sorry I'm late.

Beef: What happened?

Doc: Nothing. I just really didn't want to come

|=====|=====|

Impulse: Zed would throw himself in front of a train for us.

Tango: Zed would throw himself in front of a train for fun.

|=====|=====|

Ren: I had a terrible dream last night, Iskall was in it.

Iskall: And?

Ren: What do you mean 'And?'

|=====|=====|

X: Since when was babysitting the hermits my-

X: Oh my God, that's exactly my job.

|=====|=====|

Stress: Why would anyone want to hurt Ex?

False: Maybe because they met them?

|=====|=====|

Wels: What should I get Hels for his birthday?

Cleo: Medication.

|=====|=====|

Jevin: Violence isn't the answer.

Wels: You're right!

Hypno: ???

Wels: Violence is the question.

Biffa: And the answer is yes!

|=====|=====|

BadTimes: Hello? Can you let me in? I tried blowing up your door and it didn't work...

|=====|=====|

Cleo: *runs into the room and slams the door, clearly panicked*

False: Calm down! What happened?

Cleo: NOBODY DIED!!!

Joe: What kind of answer is that?!

Stress: *running out the door* Hopefully an accurate one!

|=====|=====|

Mumbo: I just wanna sleep for like, 70 hours.

xB: You do know that's a coma, right?

Mumbo: God, that sounds so good. I could go for a light coma right now.

|=====|=====|

Cub: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated!

Scar: Killed without hesitation.

|=====|=====|

Bdubs: There are 10 kids and 7 chairs, what do you do?

Keralis: Have everyone stand!

Etho: Bring three more chairs.

Zed: The most important can sit.

Grian: Kill three.

|=====|=====|

Joe: I've never been in a snowball fight before.

Bdubs: What!?

Joe: Like, is there a point system or is it just to the death?

|=====|=====|

Tango: What's wrong with Ex?

X: They doesn't handle alcohol well...

Ex: I'M GOING TO STEAL THE END PORTAL!!

|=====|=====|

Wels: Are you a big spoon or a little spoon?

Hels: I'm a knife.

BadTimes: *from across the room* HE'S A LITTLE SPOON!

|=====|=====|

False: Truth or dare?

Tango: Truth.

False: How many hours have you slept this week?

Tango: Dare.

False: Go to sleep.

Tango: ...I don't like this game.

|=====|=====|


	5. 5

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** When I first met you, I did not like you.

**Grian:** I'm aware of that.

**Doc:** But then you and I spent some time together.

**Grian:** Yes...?

**Doc:** It did not get better.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall** : Hello everybody it's me, The Gender Bandit! Are they masculine? Are they feminine? Are they absolutely killing it? We answer D, all of the above

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** I've met God. He had nothing nice to say about you.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** *sees his stuffed animal on the floor next to his bed*

**Zed, tearing up:** Why wasn't I a better parent?

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** The first person to fall at my party gets tucked in and given some water in case they're thirsty later.

**Tango:** Also toast and/or eggs in the morning, because I love you, you sleepy bastard.

**Impulse:** What about the last person? What do they get?

**Tango:** The last person is me and I get the peace of mind of knowing that my friends are as comfortable and safe as I can make them.

**Impulse:**

**Tango:** Also their credit cards.

**Impulse:** There it is.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** Salt and vinegar chips are just masochist chips

**False:** I'm so excited to fight you!

**Stress:** guys please its 5 am

|=====|=====|

**Wels** : Here's your birthday card

**Jevin, opening it** : Aw thanks Wels

**Jevin** :

**Jevin** : Did you handwrite "ahsdjsksdbsk ily"

**Wels** : And i meant every word

|=====|=====|

**Biffa** : Joe, I need your therapist skills to fix Hels. And I mean serious help.

**Joe** : Wait, really? I thought you hated each other...

**Biffa** : Oh, we do. But it's not fun killing someone that already wants to die.

|=====|=====|

**X** : The path to inner peace begins with four words

**Ex** : Not my fucking problem?

**X** : NO

|=====|=====|

**Scar** : Would you date me if I was the last person on earth?

**Cub** : If you were the last person on earth then I wouldn't be on earth

|=====|=====|

**Tfc** : Do I need to repeat myself?

**BadTimes** : No need, I ignored you just fine the first time

|=====|=====|

**Hels** : I wanna be a comedian, man. Wanna hear a joke?

**Hels** : What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?

**Mumbo** :

**Hels** :

**Mumbo** : *sighs* A wonkey?

**Hels** : No, you call it a donkey. Its physical disability should have no bearing on how you see it. You monster.

|=====|=====|

**Etho** : In my defence, your honour, I simply cannot vibe with the law

|=====|=====|

**xB** : I'm bisexual

**xB** : but also I hate everyone

**xB** : so it's more like

**xB** : Byesexual

|=====|=====|

**Keralis** : We should probably start doing couple stuff

**Bdubs** : You mean like h*lding h*nds

**Keralis** : how did u say that out loud

|=====|=====|

**Hypno** : I honestly need a pick-me-up right now

**Beef, looking at him to see that he is obviously sleep deprived and worn out** : I _think_ you need more than _one_

|=====|=====|

**X:** When me and my siblings were kids we didn't know how to play yugioh so we just made up our own rules which included the rule where we all had to stick a strip of duct tape to each eyebrow and whenever you lost you had to rip them off

**Wels:** Wouldn't you have to rip off the duct tape even if you won? It's still on your eyebrows

**X:** Yes.

|=====|=====|

**Etho** : Cub can you help me with my homework?

**Cub** : Sure!

**Etho** : I have to write a romantic short story for English and I'm not sure which lines I should use.

**Cub** : Tell me what you've got and I'll help you pick.

**Etho** : (pulls out notebook)

**Etho** : "I could spend hours counting your scars."

**Cub** : Very sappy and very smitten if that's what your going for.

**Etho** : Not quite, how about this? "The point is for us to be idiots together."

**Cub** : Speaks of great mutual respect and a fun side to the relationship.

**Etho** : I'm looking more for deep love and devotion. How about "I'd follow you to the end of the world, you know this."

**Cub** : That nails it perfectly.

**Etho** : Good because these are all things you and Scar have said to each other.

**Cub** : WHAT

**Cub** : *snatches book* You wrote in dates for all of these?!?!

**Etho** : Someone needed to present you with actual evidence because clearly you weren't going to realize on your own. And now that you can't deny you're feelings for each other, now go be his knight in shining armor.

**Cub, still flipping through the notebook** : Now hold on a second! These were taken completely out of context.

**Etho** : I think "you have the best heart of anyone I've ever met and I couldn't stand to be without it" speaks for itself.

|=====|=====|


	6. 6

|=====|=====|

**False** : What am I doing wrong?

**Stress** : You want me to answer as your therapist or your friend?

**False** : Friend.

**Stress** : Go see a therapist.

|=====|=====|

**Ren** : Doc is a gentle-

**Doc** : *brutally murdering the wither in the background* DIE, SCUM!

**Ren** : *louder* -and kind person!

|=====|=====|

**Biffa** : *jumps into X's bed*

**Biffa** : Once again fate throws us together huh?

**X** : We've been married for five years, this is our bedroom.

|=====|=====|

**Scar** : Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** : How do people drown lmao just drink the water.

**Joe** : ?????????

|=====|=====|

**Ex** : When Hels falls asleep in public, I shake him and yell "DONT YOU DIE ON ME!"

**Ex** : People always clap when he wakes up.

|=====|=====|

**Hels** : Damn I wish I had a brother

**Wels** :

**Wels** : Hi ???

**Hels** :

**Hels** : Wtf, that's weird.

**Hels** : Anways, I wish I had a brother

|=====|=====|

**Hypno** : You can never lose an argument if you say 'Shut up nerd' at the end

**Jevin** : Yes you can

**Hypno** : Shut up nerd

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Wow, I feel so happy right now

**Scar:**

**Scar, narrowing his eyes:** Something's wrong

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** Grian, I need you to get the word out with whatever method of communication young people are using these days.

**Grian:** Oh yeah, tiny rolled-up scrolls delivered by trained foxes. I'm on it.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** The human stress response seems so maladaptive

**Joe:** To be fair, 90% of our evolutionary stress response was meant to deal with far more immediate conclusive scenarios that the tedious bullshit we put up with these days.

**Cleo:** Very very slow tigers are chasing me

|=====|=====|

**Judge** : Does the defendant have any special requests?

**Cub** : The death penalty

**Tfc** : But this is for a speeding ticket-

**Cub** : The Death Penalty

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** I'm well aware that I've accidentally set myself on fire and it's none of your business. I don't need your pity water either. Let me burn in peace.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall** : Now, what are the three stages of life

**Zed** : Birth

**xB** : What the fuck is this

**Grian** : Death

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** You seriously have got to stop going to sleep whenever there's a problem you don't wanna deal with.

**Bdubs:** Give me one plausible reason.

**Keralis:** Fine, your house catches on fire. How is sleeping gonna help??

**Bdubs:** But Keralis, it's a win-win situation. If someone extinguishes the fire while I sleep, great! Problem solved. Home saved. Or, if I'm lucky enough, the house burns down I get to die!

**Keralis:**

|=====|=====|

**Beef** : Are you ever going to stop trying to make me into a better person?

**Etho, smiling:** It's not likely.

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** _*approaches to kiss Zed*_

**Zed:** What do you think you're doing?

**Tango:** Going to kiss you?

**Zed:** Ooh, you're reeeally funny, Tango. You think you can be rude to me in my dream and just show up here like nothing happened??

**Tango:**

**Impulse** **:** I'm not payed enough for this.

|=====|=====|

"Relationships are overrated. Everyone should be more like me: alone and unhappy."

\- **Mumbo**

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** Welcome to hell, Impulse. I'm your host.

**Impulse:** ...this is our honeymoon

**Zed:** _*evil laughs*_

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** I'm pretty sure my whole life is just a self deprecating joke.

**Scar:** Mine is not even funny, it's just rubbish.

**X:** You wanna complain about rubbish? My life is so shitty that garbage is too clean for it.

**Stress:**... Do you guys need a hug? Or therapy?

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Wels... just accept it. They are not coming back. They're dead.

**Wels, writing** **fanfiction** **and multiple theories:** NOT UNTIL THE LAST BOOK IS PUBLISHED!

|=====|=====|


	7. 7

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Mumbo just took the wheels from my heelys, I feel like Lucifer stripped of his wings

**Grian:** I have to walk down the hallways like a common wench and I'm _livid_

|=====|=====|

**Tfc:** Listen up teens, there's nothing "meme" about smoking cigarettes. It's not "Netflix and chill" to take a drug. "Fidget spin" yourself into church

|=====|=====|

**X:** Ex can I speak to you in private for a minute

**Ex:** Oooooh looks like someone is in trouble

**Ex:** It's me. I don't know why I did that

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** Babe, it's time to wake up

**Mumbo:** I'm not sleeping, I'm dead. Leave flowers and get out

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** You know, not every problem can be solved with a knife?

**Hels:** I know! That's why I carry two knives!

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** I hate when people say "So tell me about yourself"

**Biffa:** What do you want to know? My trauma or my favourite colour?

**Biffa:** Be specific

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** Hey, what's the name of the guy who lives down the hall?

**Scar:** His cats names are Maui and Pearl

**Cub:** That's not what I asked.

**Scar:** That is all the information that I have.

|=====|=====|

**[Explaining the pvp assessment test]**

**Stress:** It feels like you're being a little harsh

**Doc:** Thanks, good note. I was going for extremely harsh. I'll turn it up

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Can you pass me the salt?

**Zed:** Huh? The what?

**Impulse:** The salt

**Zed:** HUH?

**Impulse: [Long suffering sigh]**

**Impulse:** The ocean cocaine?

**Zed:** Yeah sure

|=====|=====|

**xB:** I can't believe you would do something this stupid!

**Etho, False, Cleo and Tango:** I think we can all believe that we can do something this stupid

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** Sometimes I talk to myself

**Beef:** Omg same

|=====|=====|

**Random Person: [About Hermitcraft]** Have you no control over these people?

**X:** None whatsoever

|=====|=====|

**[Keralis and Bdubs sitting in jail together over some dumb shit]**

**Keralis:** So who should we call?

**Bdubs:** I'd call Doc, but I feel safer in jail

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** I'm leaving for three days. Cleo is in charge. I've left notes for each of you with instructions

**Ren:** Mine just says 'Ren, no.'

**Joe:** And you can apply that to every possible situation

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** I like my coffee how I like my girls

**Jevin:** You drink tea

**Hypno:** Yes

|=====|=====|

**Zed: [Gets a paper cut]** Ow

**Tango:** Lmao, you fucking idiot

**[Later]**

**X:** So let me get this straight: you want to ban the use of paper on Hermitcraft?

**Tango:** It's fucking dangerous okay

|=====|=====|

**Cleo, texting:** You don't have to sign your name in texts.

**Tfc, texting back:** Dear Cleo, suggestion noted. Sincerely, Tfc.

|=====|=====|

**Grian, texting Doc:** Dude.

**Doc:** I'm busy now.

**Grian:** I just ate glass by accident.

**Doc:** You what–

**Grian:** I ate glass.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** Name one bad thing I've done to you.

**Wels:** You convinced me eggs weren't real!

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** My single "My Single is Dropping" is dropping.

**Bdubs:** What's happening?

**Scar:** My single is called "My Single is Dropping." And it's dropping.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** [to BadTimes] Teenagers can be very accepting if you just be yourself.

**Ex:** Do they not have teenagers where you're from?

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** So what are your gimmicks?

**Ren:** Well if I had to guess, I would say I'm the pretty one.

**Joe:** I guess that makes you [points to Tango] the one with weird powers.

**Tango:** I can set myself on fire.

**Joe:** Fantastic. [Points to Biffa] and you're the big tough stupid one.

**Biffa:** You take that back or I'll kill you!

**Joe:** Ok. You're not tough.

**Biffa:** That's better.

**Joe:** Didn't you just-

**Tango:** Give him a minute.

**Biffa:** ... Hey!

|=====|=====|


	8. 8

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** X just banned overly specific nicknames. I guess we can all thank Sleeper Bubbles The Night Time Ruiner for that.

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** When crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, it's 'intelligent' and 'really cool,' but when I do it I'm 'petty' and 'need to move on'.

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** Hey Tfc, did you know that "thot" means 'thoughtful person'?

**Tfc:** It does? Oh, I didn't know that!

[later]

**Tfc:** Thanks for helping me with baking today, Scar. You're a real thot.

**Scar, wheezing:** I'm a what!

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** I'm a lover, not a fighter.

**Doc:** I'm a fighter, not a lover.

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** I'll have one magic elixir, please. Something to make me calm, focused and happy. Something to restore balance to the universe.

**Barista:** Coffee?

**Bdubs:** Coffee.

|=====|=====|

**X:** That's it! You're all grounded!

**X:** [points to xB] No video games for you.

**X:** [points to Stress] No baking for you.

**X:** [points to Etho] No music for you.

**X:** And... [looks at Beef] ...Is there anything that you love?

**Beef:** Revenge.

**X:** No vengeance for you.

**Beef:** I was gonna say "I'll get you for this," but I guess that's off the table.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** When I get murdered, make sure it's unsolved.

**Impulse:** What?

**Zed:** I want to be on BuzzFeed Unsolved.

**Impulse:** Let's go back to the "when I get murdered" part.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** What is that obnoxious glowing orb in the sky?

**Wels:** The sun.

**Hels:** I'm gonna fight it.

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** I made a cake! It's not the best though...

**Etho:** At least you tried, but never try again <3

**xB:** You can chase your dreams, just not this one ;)

**Biffa:** There's always room for improvement, just not in this room <3

**Tango:** ...

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don't care about anybody

**False:** If you decide to have a problem after midnight, that's between you and God

**Joe:** How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** Can you do me a favor?

**Iskall:** I would literally cover up a murder you committed, plant my DNA at the crime scene and take the blame for you

**Mumbo:** Cool. Can you do the dishes?

**Iskall:** No

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Do you think lava would taste spicy?

**Stress:** Hypno please don't eat lava

**Ren:** Eat it and let us know

**Jevin:** It's made out of molten rock, it probably tastes bland and dusty

**Hypno:** Thank you so much Ren, you understand me

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** You okay kid?

**Cleo:** I'm depressed

**Joe:** Dang me too

**Joe:** No, wait, hi depressed, I'm dad

**Joe:** No, wait, what's wrong?

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Okay, we gotta get through this locked door, Keralis quick give me your credit card

**Keralis:** Okay

**Grian, pocketing it:** Cool. Doc, break the door down!

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** We're not mad, we just want to know why you would need a fake ID

**Scar:** *Incoherent mumbling*

**Bdubs:** Pardon?

**Scar:** ... you need to be over eighteen at Petco to hold the puppies

|=====|=====|


	9. 9

|=====|=====|

**Random Person:** Are these people bothering you?

**Tfc:** Yes, but they're my friends. I signed up for this.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** What is Ex to you?

**BadTimes:** The reason I wake up every morning

**Hels:** Aww

[Earlier]

**Ex, entering BadTimes' room banging pans:** WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** I'm friendly, I'm loyal, I'm energetic!

**Ren:**

**Ren:** I just described a dog, didn't I?

**Iskall:** Well, yeah, but I love dogs

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** Are you seeing anyone?

**Bdubs, blushing:** Um, no, why do you ask?

**Keralis:** Well, I think seeing a therapist could be good for you.

|=====|=====|

**False:** Accept your flaws, you'll feel better. It worked for me.

**Cleo:** You've accepted your flaws?

**False:** No, I accepted yours.

|=====|=====|

**False:** Okay, let's say that guy right there stole your ice cream. What would you say?

**Stress:** Hey! That's my ice cream!

**False:** Good! Now let 'em have it!

**Stress:** You can have it!

**False:** *facepalms*

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** You guys are being ridiculous. Tango doesn't have a crush on me

**Zed:** Yes he does

**Scar:** Yes he does

**Cub:** Yes he does

**Tango:** Yes I do

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** I ain't talking

**Cub:** I have ways of making people talk

**Cub:** *Sharpens a knife*

**Cub:** *Cuts a piece of cake*

**Scar:** Can I have some?

**Cub:** Cake is for talkers

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** I only work with highly competent individuals. All of the-

**Jevin:** *runs in* Hypno!

**Wels:** *also runs in* We tried to make ramen in the coffee pot, and we broke everything!

**Hypno:**...

|=====|=====|

**Ren, joking:** I should kill you for that.

**Doc, from another room:** Who?

**Ren:** I was just joki-

**Doc, walking in with a netherite sword:** Are they bothering you, Ren?

|=====|=====|

**xB:** It's been a tough year

**Etho:** It's the first week of February?

**xB:** your point?

|=====|=====|

**X:** What was the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

**Mumbo:** That I was straight.

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** I will destroy everything you guys love!

**Etho:** What if I love you?

**Beef:** Jokes on you I've been self destructive my entire life

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** I wish we could block people in real life

**Joe:** Restraining order

**Grian:** Murder

|=====|=====|

**Iskall** : Fun game, play peek-a-boo with your child but never reappear.

**Grian:** My mom was really good at this game.

|=====|=====|

**X** : You called Biffa instead of me for help?

**Grian** : Well, when you want to do something stupid, you don't call the voice of reason.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** I'm having boy troubles.

**Biffa:** Just remember the quickest way to any man's heart is through the fourth and fifth rib.

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** I'm not getting into any more stupid debates with you.

**Scar:** Earth is not a planet.

**Doc:** How the fuck is earth not a planet?!

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo** : Is anyone else scared?

**Grian** : Not really. I've already lived longer than I expected.

|=====|=====|

**Therapist** : I believe you said that your childhood experience was satisfactory?

**Jevin** : No, you misheard me. I said it was a "sadness factory".

|=====|=====|

**Wels [hanging out with the Evils' Gang]:** Uh, excuse me. Who's in charge here?

**Hels** : Well, usually that's whoever yells the loudest.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** Wow, the Evils' Gang really hates us.

**Tango:** Yes, maybe they're homophobic.

**Impulse:** But they're all gay, Tango.

**Tango** : ...oh

|=====|=====|

**xB** : I don't care what anyone says, the black cookie part is the best part of an oreo.

**Etho** : Dark without light is an abyss, light without dark is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.

**Beef** : It's a fucking cookie.

|=====|=====|

Today's question:

Which Hermit did you start watching first?


	10. 10 [xBCrafted Edition]

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** We had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

**xB:** Nope. Don't remember, didn't happen.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** Why are you holding hands?

**xB:** Etho gets nervous, and human contact relieves stress.

**Cleo:** Oh I thought you were dating or something

**xB:** No, we are, Etho is just a wreck

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** See you in hell!

**xB** **:** Fine! It's a date!

**Beef:** Wait what

|=====|=====|

**xB:** I'm gonna go break into the town hall and steal all the potted plants.

**Grian:** xB, that's a horrible idea! Can I help?

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** das ist alles deine Schuld

**xB:** I know, I know

**Bdubs:** You speak German?

**xB:** No, I just know the phrase 'this is all your fault' in every language

|=====|=====|

**X:** *saves xB's life*

**X:** So I guess you owe me?

**xB:** No, you saved me, now i'm your problem.

**X:** Wha-

**xB:** God wanted me dead now you get to find out why.

|=====|=====|

**xB:** Thanks for tuning into this episode of 'Tango and xB's Video Diary' where we review hair products!

**xB:** *sprays hairspray directly into Tango's mouth*

**Tango:** So right off the bat, this one is not very good

|=====|=====|

**xB:** What mouse walks on two legs?

**Mumbo:** Mickey

**xB:** Ok, what duck walks on two legs?

**Mumbo:** Donald

**xB:** No, all of them

**Mumbo:**

**Mumbo:** This is the last time you make a fool of me in my own house god damnit

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** KERALIS GIVE ME BACK MY DIAMONDS

**Keralis:** CATCH ME IF YOU CAN, LOOSER

**xB:** Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I'm the youngest member of this group

|=====|=====|

**Ex, texting:** xB... please... it's been fourteen days... please answer us

**xB, texting back:** Lmao you suck at hide n seek

|=====|=====|

**xB:** Bitch

**Hels:** Still lacking elegance, I see. How crude

**xB, doing a pirouette:** ✨ɮɨȶƈɦ✨

**Hels:** How the fuck did you just say that out loud

|=====|=====|

**False:** Ugh, nothing in life is free!

**Stress:** Love is free.

**Joe:** Friendship is free!

**Bdubs:** Sleep is free.

**Iskall:** Knowledge is free.

**Zedaph:** Air is free!

**xB:** Anything is free if you take it without paying.

|=====|=====|

**Jevin, trying to teach xB how to cook:** You can't just live on goldfish and pasta for the rest of your life!

**xB:** Are you challenging me?

|=====|=====|

**xB, reading a recipe:** "Beat three eggs"

**Doc:** ... at what? Hand-to-hand combat?

**xB:** Must be. Etho banned swords in the kitchen, remember?

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** Do you think laundry detergents have different tastes?

**xB:** They do.

**Beef:** Why did you say that so quickly and with so much certainty?

|=====|=====|

**xB:** CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?!

**Scar:** I don't know, can you?

**xB:** May I get a hell yeah?

**Cub:** You should've gotten a hell yeah during lunch.

**xB:** But I didn't need a hell yeah during lunch!

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** If you listen closely to dishwashers, you can hear the slurping sounds of the hundreds of tongues inside cleaning off the dishes

**xB:** I'm not a violent person but I'm about to be

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Just so you know, if you go to prison, we are not bailing you out

**xB:** You won't have to, I'll escape. We all know this

|=====|=====|

**xB, sleep deprived:** Honestly fuck viruses they're not even alive they're just strands of punk ass DNA that go around fucking up us normal and god fearing life forms you don't even have a nucleus you stupid bacteriophage looking horizontally transmitting RNA clump

|=====|=====|

**Today's question:**

**If you could pick any name other than the one you go by what would it be?**


	11. 11

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** What did you do at school today?

**Grian:** Learned about dragons.

**Mumbo:** Your class learned about dragons?

**Grian:** I learned about dragons. I have no idea what everyone else was doing.

|=====|=====|

**X:** so what are all your skills?

**Doc:** I'm a master fighter and skilled weapon smith

**Stress:** I'm the world's greatest healer and creator of the flower potion

**Tango:** I'm a master fire-raiser who learned from literal demons and a sword fighting prodigy

**Joe:** I make good life choices

**X:** that's not really-

**Doc:** no trust us. he's our most important member

|=====|=====|

**Biffa, calling X:** hey, just hypothetically, if Ex was slowly going insane and said they were going to blow up the entire server during Joe's speech at the upcoming party commemorating Scar's presidency, what would you do to get them to stop?

**X:**

**X:** I'm on my way

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** How can someone say BadTimes is evil?? He's the most precious soft little soul.

**BadTimes, wiping blood off his face:** YEAH I'M ADORABLE!

|=====|=====|

**Ex: [Standing in front of locked door]** Fortunately, I have a delicate lock-picking technique.

**Ex: [Punches door down]**

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** She was poetry, but he couldn't read.

**Zed:** His name was Jared, he's nineteen.

**Iskall** **:** When his parents built a very strange machine.

**Bdubs:** Watch that scene, digging the dancing queen.

**Keralis:** Ay, macarena.

**Joe:** Horrible job, everyone.

|=====|=====|

**Etho, playing the kazoo:**

**TFC:** Do you take requests?

**Etho:** Sure!

**TFC:** Stop

|=====|=====|

**Impulse and Cub:** *staring out the window*

**False:** What are you doing

**Cub:** Scar lost his mind, the shopping district is in shambles, and Ren only cares about his mooshroom farm , so we're watching a couple break up across the street

**False:** are those X and Biffa?

**Impulse:** Shh! It's getting heated!

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Get kidnapped. You'll find out who your real friends are. I promise you that.

**Beef:** I just feel like there are steps you could probably take before that one...

|=====|=====|

**[Wels and Hypno are sitting on a bench]**

**Jevin:** Why do you guys look so sad?

**Wels:** Sit down with us so we can tell you.

**Jevin:** *sits down*

**Hypno** **:** The bench is freshly painted.

**Jevin:**

|=====|=====|

**X:** What are the best ways to take care of your mental health?

**xB:** Talk about your feelings.

**Stress:** Keep active.

**Ren:** Eat a steak.

**Hels:** Recite a dark spell.

**Grian:** Throw your phone in a lake.

**Zed:** Kiss a slug gently.

**Doc:** Scowl.

**False:** Make fun of someone you don't like.

**Biffa:** Lie down in the dirt and let the earth slowly reclaim you.

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** My policy is, "If you see something, say something."

**Mumbo, raising a hand:** I saw a frog on the sidewalk today.

**Cub:** Outstanding. This is what I'm talking about, people.

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** Two years ago I married my best friend

**Ex:** Hels is still mad about it but BadTimes and I were drunk and thought it was funny

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** I really like this whole 'good guy, bad guy' thing you guys have going on.

**Doc:** It's not an act, it's just that I'm mean and Bdubs isn't

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** [to Hels] I don't mind you criticizing me because it's one of the few times you're not talking about yourself.

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Hey BadTimes, can I take you to my therapist next week?

**BadTimes:**... Why?

**Scar:** He thinks I'm making you and all your issues up

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** No one knows I'm gay

**Iskall:** Can I be honest? Just... with the whole [makes a vague gesture to encompass all of him], I think they do

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** People treat me like an idiot, so I'm allowed to act like one from time to time. It's one of the perks.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**What is/was your favourite subject at school?**


	12. 12

|=====|=====|

**Scar, internally:** I wonder what X is thinking about! He's so cool and mysterious!

**X, internally:** [wii music]

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** Gather around, we have a problem

**Grian:** What? The fire?

**Mumbo:** No, the- wait there's a fire?!

**Grian:** Never mind, this sounds more interesting

**Iskall: [Running past them with a fire extinguisher]** GRIAN YOU CAN'T MICROWAVE FOIL NO MATTER WHAT YOUTUBE SAYS!

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** Void, both of us becoming 2nd tier admins is a really special moment and I think we should celebrate it by getting married.

**X:** ...No.

**Biffa:** Engaged?

**X:** No.

**Biffa:** Going steady?

**X:** No.

**Biffa:** A date?

**X:** No.

**Biffa** **:** A kiss?

**X:** No.

**Biffa:** A handshake?

**X:** No.

**Biffa:** I'll see you tomorrow?

**X:** Sure.

**Biffa:** I'll take it.

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** Truth or Dare?

**Zed:** Truth.

**Tango:** What's the worst decision you've made while being drunk?

**Zed:** Not to brag but I don't need alcohol to make bad decisions.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** Rich people should get robbed at least once a week

**Wels:** Why?

**Hels:** Builds character.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** Why is Hels asleep on your shoulder? 

**Ex:** Shut up! This is sweet! 

**BadTimes:** An hour ago you were complaining that he was annoying. 

**Ex:** I changed my mind.

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** Scar can be... immature sometimes.

**Bdubs:** Sometimes? Remember how excited he got when he found out he could drink two caprisuns at once?

**Scar: [Holding three caprisuns]** Guys, you're not gonna believe this!

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** At level 20 of ADHD you can read a book and listen to a podcast at the same time.

**Hypno:** At level 40 you can read a transcript of a podcast while listening to an audiobook.

**Jevin:** And you don't process any of it.

**Hypno:** Well, of course not, I'm thinking about something someone said to me 3 years ago.

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** This server isn't big enough for two PVP Masters!

**False:** Oh, you're a PVP player, just not a PVP _Master_.

**Doc:** What's the difference?

**False, with her** **MCC** **crown on:**

_P R E S E N T A T I O N !_

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** you know, it seems like bad things are always happening to me. Like being the ice queen is bad luck or something.

**Stress:** Etho, being queen isn't bad luck.

**Stress:** the reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dummy.

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Ren, would you date a girl who is taller than you?

**Ren:** No.

**Impulse:** Don't you think that's a little shallow?

**Ren:** Impulse, I'm gay.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** Some of you may die, but that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

**Keralis:** ...we're in creative mode?

|=====|=====|

**TFC:** Why are you always so paranoid?

**xB:** I threw a boomerang many years ago and it never came back. Now I live in constant fear.

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** Why is all of my underwear in the freezer?

**Joe:** You said "this is gonna confuse me so much tomorrow" and put them in. Apparently drunk you likes to play pranks on sober you

**Beef:**

**Beef:** That explains so much.

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** Studying? More like student dying! Am I right or am I right?

**TFC:** Are you okay?

**Etho:** I have been awake for 103 hours.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** I mean, small animals are way more vicious. It's because their anger has way less space to be bottled up in.

**X:** That's ridiculous. Give me one example of this.

**Scar:** Spiders.

**Stress:** Wasps.

**Mumbo:** Grian.

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** Am I in hell?

**X:** No, Joe. If you were in hell, you'd be on a throne and the devil would be packing.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**If you could live in any country other than the one you currently live in which country would it be?**

**I came up with two** **headcanons** **recently. Etho goes to night school and the Evils' Gang run a coffee shop (know known as _Good Guy Grounds)_ on a Hels' home server. It doesn't make much sense but I just wanted you to know.**


	13. 13

|=====|=====|

***Cub and Bdubs open the door to the HEP HQ***

**Cub:** Is Scar here?

**Tango:** Uhh, you know what-

***Scar throws himself through the window***

**Tango:** -he just left.

**Bdubs:** ...really?

**Tango:** Yeah...

***Scar grabs a coat from through the broken window***

**Tango:** Sorry.

|=====|=====|

**Beef, at five am:** Oh, good morning. didn't know you're an early bird.

**Wels:** I'm not, I'm heading to bed now.

|=====|=====|

**Stress, once again acting as the group therapist:** kids, what did we say about self-care?

**X:** more espresso less depresso

**Joe, helping out:** no

**BadTimes:** don't be sad. sad backwards is das, and das not good

**Stress:** no

**Hels:** it be like that sometimes

**Joe:** no-

**Ex:** it eez what it eez

**Stress and Joe:** NO!

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** Don't you have to go be obnoxious somewhere else?

**Ren:** Not until four.

|=====|=====|

**False:** The sound of high heels on the pavement as you walk is the ultimate power trip, like you could be buying milk or on your way to assassinate someone.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Hey Jevin, we're both single and well... I don't wanna be single when I'm old, so let's make pact.

**Jevin:** Okay, if we're still single when we're old we'll-

_*At the same time*_

**Hypno:** Marry each other.

**Jevin:** Kill each other

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** Ice skating is just cursive walking.

**Mumbo:** Please, I'm so tired.

**Grian:** No, dancing is cursive walking, ice skating is cursive walking but with knives.

**Keralis:** Tap dancing is walking in all caps.

**Zed:** Marching is walking with perfect punctuation, grammar, and spelling.

**Cleo:** No, it's walking in iambic pentameter.

|=====|=====|

**xB:** I have an idea.

**TFC:** A good one?

**xB:** Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** I learned some very valuable lessons from this.

**Iskall:** I'm guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should've taken away.

**Scar:** Death isn't real, and I'm basically God.

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Zed has these insanely strong opinions on everything. Go on, ask him a thing nobody should have an opinion on.

**Tango:** Hey, Zed, what's the worst possible multiple of four?

**Zed, scoffing:** Twelve, obviously.

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** *talking to a new hermit* As the Hermits, it's our job to protect the server from being destroyed by monsters and still profit. *puffs out chest* you could say we are the ultimate source of good.

**Grian:** What about the civil war in season 6?

**Scar:** TheMycelium war in season 7?

**Beef:** The nHo in season 5?

**Wels:** And that mine and X brothers are evi-

**Cub:** WOAH!!

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** I wanted to apologize about my behaviour last week.

**Hypno:** oh?

**Biffa:** Then, I realised I wasn't sorry.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** Boil up some Mountain Dew. It's gonna be a long night...

**X:** You could have said ANYTHING else.

**Tango:** Fire burn and cauldron bubble, baja blast to fuel my trouble.

**X:**

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** Hey Ex, do you have a bag I can borrow?

**Ex:** The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they're specifically designed to carry the burden of my existence.

**BadTimes:** Literally all you needed to say was no.

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** Are you talking to yourself?

**Hels:** Yes, it's the only way to have an intelligent conversation.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Any kiss could be the kiss of death depending on the severity of your allergies and what your kissing partner has been eating.

**Etho:** Or if they have a knife for a tongue.

**Grian:**

**Etho:**

**Grian:** Yeah, or if they have a knife for a tongue.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**Why are we here?**


	14. 14 [Halloween Edition]

|=====|=====|

 **X:** Who are you supposed to be?

 **Jevin:** I'm you. See my helmet, my coffee mug. And this is my husband-

 **X:** I'm not married

 **Jevin:** AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND

 **Hypno, stumbles across the room with a fake moustache and a suit on:** Hi! I'm a spoon

 **Ex:** Wow! He did what you could never do

|=====|=====|

 **BadTimes:** Its totally okay if you didn't wear a costume.

 **Hels:** I did. I'm a straight person.

 **Ex:** *from behind Hels* Sup, I'm not late for once.

**Hels:**

**Hels:** See.

|=====|=====|

 **Biffa:** Guys, we're out of candy.

 **X:** What? Already? There's only been like three kids.

 **Biffa:** Yeah, I know, but one little girl told me she loved me so I just gave her everything.

|=====|=====|

 **Cub, testing a new potion:** *reads Grian's mind*

 **Grian's** **mind:** 🎃👦BOYS AND GIRLS👧🎃OF EVERY AGE🎃🕸WOULDN'T YOU LIKE🎃⚰TO SEE 👀🎃SOMETHING STRANGE🎃🎱COME WITH US🎃🔫AND YOU WILL SEE🎃🔪THIS OUR TOWN OF🎃🔮HALLOWEEN🎃☠

 **Cub:** wtf

|=====|=====|

 **Joe:** Hey Cleo, what do you want to be for Halloween?

 **Cleo:** Loved and appreciated

 **Joe:** Oh

|=====|=====|

 **Zed:** Hey Impulse, wanna hear a joke about a ghost?

 **Impulse:** No.

 **Zed:** That's the spirit!

**Impulse:**

**Impulse:** I still wonder why I married you.

|=====|=====|

 **xB, in a Halloween store:** All these ghosts. All these ghosts, and I still can't find a boo.

 **Etho, who has a small sheet over himself:** :(

|=====|=====|

 **False:** *staring at Stress's Monster* ...Is that a man?

 **Stress:** Actually, it's several men. Parts of them, anyway.

|=====|=====|

 **Keralis** **(dressed as a vampire):** So Bdubs, where's your costume?

 **Bdubs (in his normal clothes):** I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everybody else.

**Keralis:**

|=====|=====|

[1 minute before October 31st]

 **Mumbo:** *sleeping like a well adjusted adult who has to work in the morning*

[12 AM on the dot, October 31st]

 **Iskall:** *kicks open door* THIS IS HALLOWEEN!!!

 **Mumbo:** *shrieks and nearly falls out of bed*

 **Iskall:** *belly flops on to the bed* *muffled singing*

 **Mumbo:** WHY the hell are we married, again?

|=====|=====|

 **Doc, about to do a haunted house:** Okay, if the guy at the door asks who we are: I'm the leader, Bdubs is my number two, Beef's our combat strength, Etho's our intelligence and Ren is the canary.

 **Ren:** "Canary"?

 **Doc:** We send you in first, and if you die we know the room is dangerous.

 **Ren:** Gee, thanks.

|=====|=====|

 **TFC** **:** *flips the calendar* It's October 1st.

***muffled banging***

**TFC:** shit

***falling-down-stairs-noises***

**TFC** **:** What have I done

 **Scar** **:** *bursts out of nowhere* THIS IS HALLOWEEN. *begins singing*

 **TFC** **:** *slams head onto a table* whyyy.

|=====|=====|

 **Tango:** what about we all get into the Halloween spirit and FUCKING DIE

|=====|=====|

 **Wels:** Jevin, I told you this was a 'costume party'.

 **Jevin, in his normal clothes:** I AM in a costume.

 **Wels:** Really? Who are you supposed to be?

 **Jevin:** Your future husband.

|=====|=====|

 **Beef:** Maybe we should dress up as pizza and cheese this Halloween.

 **Etho:** Why?

 **Beef:** Because we belong together.

|=====|=====|

 **Iskall:** Grian! I thought I told you to wear an actual costume!

 **Grian:** I am.

 **Iskall:** You're just wearing a trash bag! Are you seriously going as trash for Halloween?

 **Grian:** No, actually, but close.

 **Grian:** I'm going as my dad.

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** I can't find a costume for Halloween. Can I go as your boyfriend?

 **Ex:** Only if you stay in character all year.

|=====|=====|

 **Ren:** It's a good thing I still have my sexy cat costume from last Halloween.

 **Doc:** I really don't think you were the target audience for that item.

 **Ren:** There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat.

|=====|=====|

 **Biffa:** Get into the Halloween spirit and make a ghost!

 **BadTimes:** That's called murder and I heard somewhere that it was illegal. 

**BadTimes:** So let's go!

|=====|=====|

 **X:** why are you two dressed up as each other?

 **Jevin:** I couldn't think of anything scarier than Wels.

 **Wels:** Hypno told me to dress up as the stupidest thing possible.

|=====|=====|

 **Cleo:** [kicks the G off graveyard sign]

 **Cleo:** let's get this party started

|=====|=====|

 **Tango:** Hmm... What should I be for Halloween?

 **Zed:** My boyfriend.

 **Tango:** Zed, we're already dating.

|=====|=====|

 **Hypno:** [sighing] The day after St Patrick's Day needs its own name...

 **Wels:** Like 'Let me lay here and die' day..

 **Jevin:** Is it not already 'Walk of Shame' Day?

 **Wels:** Isn't that the day after Halloween?

 **Hypno:** Your Halloweens clearly go WAY differently than mine...

|=====|=====|

 **Cub:** Here's a life hack for you this Halloween!

 **Cub:** When you see a Take One candy bowl on someone's porch, make sure no one is looking and shovel as much candy as you can into your pockets.

 **Cub:** God may judge you but his sins outnumber your own.

|=====|=====|

 **Iskall, wearing a chicken costume:** I'm a chicken!! And this! 

*holds Grian in a chick costume above his head* Is my little chicky!

 **Grian:** Cheep Cheep Mother-cluckers.

|=====|=====|

 **Wels:** Jevin, I'm going to be a dinosaur for Halloween

 **Jevin:** Really? Why?

 **Wels:** So that I can roar at and bite people I don't like without getting in trouble.

**Jevin:**

**Jevin:** You are a beautiful monster.

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** I've invited you to my private castle because I wish to play the deadliest game...

 **Scar, nodding wisely:** Knife monopoly.

**Ex:**

**Ex:** I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I'm interested in whatever knife monopoly is.

|=====|=====|

 **Zed:** For Halloween, I'm going as a disappointment to my family.

 **Impulse:** At least you don't need to buy a costume.

|=====|=====|

 **Keralis:** For this Halloween, I want to be a reverse-Toothfairy. I'll rob people than scatter human teeth on their bed!

 **Bdubs:** Oh, so a dentist.

**Keralis:**

**Keralis:** Bubbles, If that's what your dentist does for _you_ , than I suggest going to the police.

|=====|=====|

 **Hypno:** Hey what are you gonna be for Halloween

 **Mumbo:** Student debt. Can't get scarier than that

 **Tango:** Obviously gonna be a demon. Easy and can freak out normal people.

 **Hels:** Myself.

 **Wels:** Hey you can't do that!

 **Hels:** Why not? I'm scary

 **Wels:** Exactly! That's why I was gonna be you! Btw can I borrow your armour?

|=====|=====|

 **Grian:** X, what should I be for Halloween?

 **X:** A decent adult, if you ask me.

|=====|=====|

 **Cub:** What is it called when you shoot someone on Halloween?

 **Scar:** Trigger treating.

 **Mumbo:** No, it's called homicide.

 **Grian:** Trigger treating.

|=====|=====|

 **Doc:** Wow! great work on the Halloween decorations!

 **Ren:** Yeah where did you get the fake skeletons BadTimes?

 **BadTimes:** Fake...?

|=====|=====|

 **X:** Okay guys, for Halloween, we're gonna dress up as things that don't exist! What will yours be?

 **Scar:** A mermaid!

 **Wels:** An elf.

 **Biffa:** My will to live.

|=====|=====|

"I own Halloween. It's my jam. Halloween is the most important day of the year. It's the one day on my calendar where you're allowed to go around terrifying children and not be branded a psychopath." 

**~Hels**

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** so you're celebrating Halloween this year, huh?

 **Wels, with a pumpkin on his head, listening to spooky scary skeletons and mimicking the iconic dance perfectly:** oh what gave that away?

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**Since we couldn't go Trick-or-Treating this year, what would you have dressed up as?**


	15. 15

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** Did you have to stab him?

**Hels:** You weren't there. You didn't hear what Beef said to me.

**Wels:** What did he say?

**Hels:** "What are you going to do? Stab me?"

**Wels:** Okay, fair enough.

|=====|=====|

**Zed, t-posing in the hallway** **:** Good morning, TFC.

**TFC** **:** Good morning, problem child.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** Impulse annoyed me today so I told him that I can't wait to see what he has planned for our special day tomorrow.

**Tango:** There is nothing special about tomorrow.

**Zed:** Ah, but there is something special about watching the colour leave his face as the panic takes over

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** How did you find me?

**Iskall:** With the combined effort of tracking your unique magical aura, and a few helpful eyewitness accounts—

**Doc:** We put "bitch" in the GPS and it lead us right to you.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Thanks to Duolingo, I can ask people if they are a horse but can't tell people what my name is in French.

**Ex:** Ask me if I'm a fucking horse. I dare you.

**Grian:** Tu es un cheval?

**Ex:** Nay.

**Grian:** Oh you MOTHERFUCKER-

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** Your future self is hating you for the poor decisions you're making today.

**X, chugging an entire pot of coffee:** Bold of you to assume current me isn't also hating myself for making the decisions that I am making

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** I think Jevin is secretly poisoning me

**Impulse:** Why??

**Hypno:** Whenever I see him, my heart rate picks up and I start to sweat.

**Impulse:** He's not poisoning you, that means you like him.

**Hypno:**

**Hypno:** That bitch.

|=====|=====|

**False:** oh, hey Cleo

**Cleo, internally:** There she is, she's here, my favourite person in the world, the love of my life. fuck, I just want to stare at her and hold her and kiss her for the rest of my life-

**Cleo, out loud:** what the FUCK do you want

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** Someday, in the distant future, humans will once again be capable of hearing the phrase "what is love" without also feeling the primal urge to respond with "baby don't hurt me".

**Keralis:** So at that point, people will say "baby don't hurt me"... no more?

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** I can't believe all these people dressed in black. All-black was my thing, and now everyone's doing it to be 'cool'. They're all posers

**Scar:** Cub, I cannot stress this enough. We are at a funeral

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** Every time I have a conversation with you I waste hours of my life. You're just too interesting.

**Etho:** I can stop being interesting. Watch this.

**Etho:** *freezes*

**Etho:**

**Beef:** Hello?

**Etho:**

**Beef:** Okay, well now I have to stay here and see how long you can keep this up.

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** Hey Biffa, I think X mixed up our lunch boxes. Look.

**Ex:** [shows a paper with "I love you so much " written on it.]

**Biffa:** Oh, that explains this.

**Biffa:** [shows a second paper with "Please be good. For the love of God, be good" written on it.]

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** What do you call an intergalactic romance?

**Jevin:** I don't know, what?

**Stress:** A spaceship!

**Jevin:** [trying to hide a smile] That's not funny at all.

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** You can't do this. Stop dying immediately. I forbid it

**xB, dying:** DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** What goes up but never comes down?

**BadTimes:** The amount of stress you bring me.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**How are you?**


	16. 16

|=====|=====|

**X** : Whoever can make Ex fall asleep first will win 100 dollars.

**Grian, holding a frying pan** : Where are they?

|=====|=====|

**Ren** : If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I'd only have one dollar because you're all I think about.

**Iskall, voice cracking** : Have fun being broke, idiot.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis** : I have an excellent gaydar. I can determine whether someone is gay or not with just a glance.

**Bdubs** : I've been in love with you for years.

**Keralis** : You what?

|=====|=====|

**Beef** : Etho, you know xB will never agree to this plan.

**Etho** : Sure he will!

**Beef** : I've already asked him three times, he won't do it

**Etho** : Let me try

**Etho** : *walks up to xB* Can we-

**xB** : yes.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno** : Jevin, I said you could invite one friend to the party. ONE.

**Jevin** : They're brothers. They come as a package.

**Hels, trying to kill Wels in the background** : WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT PATCHES?! SAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW

**Hypno** :

**Jevin** : They would die for each other

|=====|=====|

**Tfc** : What are you drinking?

**Impulse** : Tea.

**Tfc, doubtfully** : What kind of tea?

**Impulse** : Tea...quila

**Tfc** : Impulse we've talked about this

|=====|=====|

**xB** : Because people are often buried in their best clothes, the zombie apocalypse would be a very formal affair.

**Wels** : If I die, I'm gonna be buried in battle armour. Good luck, bitch.

**xB** : If?

|=====|=====|

**False, with a bowl of popcorn in her hands** : You know, sometimes when I get bored, I break something of Cleo's and tell her Joe did it.

**Stress** : Why would that make you less bored?

**Cleo, from across the base** : I'M GOING TO BREAK YOUR LEGS JOE!

**False** : Great, the show's about to start.

|=====|=====|

**X** : Have fun on your trip. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

**Ex** : I thought you said to have fun

|=====|=====|

**Biffa** : I hate when Hels says, "Are you even listening to me?" It's such a random way to start a conversation...

|=====|=====|

**Cub** : A person doesn't dye their hair that colour unless they has psychological problems.

**BadTimes** : Hey! My hair colour has nothing to do with my psychological problems!

|=====|=====|

**Scar** : Just ask X out already. The worst he can say is "no."

**Mumbo** : Yes, but that would be devastating.

|=====|=====|

**Doc** : I'm not a nerd, I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

|=====|=====|

**Zed** : Have you tortured any useful information out of the prisoners yet?

**Tango** : Not yet.

**Zed** : Well, keep trying. And could someone mop this blood up? Someone could slip!

|=====|=====|

**Joe** : Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation?

**Cleo** : Literally all the time!?

**Joe** : Then you should be used to it by now.

|=====|=====|

**Ex** : Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

**Hels** : Next time you're working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex's house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

**Wels** : There were so many mixed messages in that I can't-

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**What is your prediction for 2021?**


	17. 17

|=====|=====|

**Ex, watching BadTimes be arrested:** Be honest. Are you as shocked as I am that it's not me who is getting arrested?

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** *doesn't want to be part of a cult*

**BadTimes:** THIS IS WHY MOM DOESN'T FUCKING LOVE YOU

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** We've been like Sid and Nancy for years now.

**X** **:** Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a netherite sword, I mean we have some fights but I don't see myself as Sid.

**Biffa:** No I'm Sid.

**X:** Oh...

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** I'm going to hell.

**Hels:** Probably.

**Wels:** I'll pick you up?

**Hels:** *Nodding* Carpool.

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** Let's watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

**Grian:** Okay.

**Doc:** And make out during the scary parts.

**Grian:** Th-

**Grian:** The scary parts.

**Grian:** Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** We gotta get there fast.

**Jevin:** Then I should drive.

**Hypno:** Why?

**Jevin:** I have nothing to live for and I drive like it.

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** I'm so disappointed in all of you. I'm at a loss for words

**Zed, narrating** **:** Despite being at a loss for words, Impulse continued to yell at us for the next 2 and half hours

|=====|=====|

**Iskall** **:** Ren, I'm not mad.

**Ren** , **already** **tearing** **up** **:** DON'T YOU _FUCKING SAY IT-_

**Iskall** **:** I'm just disappointed.

**Ren, sobbing:** *goes to the TNT room to disassemble it*

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Mycelium, my old arch enemy.

**BadTimes:** I thought I was your arch enemy.

**Scar:** I have a life outside of you, BadTimes.

|=====|=====|

*When xB gets kidnapped by the HEP*

**Stress:** I think Etho is taking it really well.

**Etho:** *Screams and punches a hole in the wall*

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** You know what I've realised?

**Cleo:** Some thoughts are better left unsaid?

**Joe:** Nice try, anyway-

|=====|=====|

**False:** Being gay isn't a choice.

**False, holding Cleo's hand like a trophy:** It's a competition and I'm winning.

|=====|=====|

**xB, in chat:** Etho built a flamethrower.

**Beef:** Oh my God.

**xB:** You should probably get here.

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** *pitches an idea*

**Cub, impressed:** Huh, there might be something here!

**Tfc, under his breath:** Yeah, a lawsuit.

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** I'm not _in_ the mob, I _run_ the mob. _Keralis_ was in the mob.

**Keralis:** It's true, I _was_ in the mob.

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** I feel like one day Grian and the other Hermits are just going to secretly plan our wedding without our say and they're just gonna send us an invitation when they have it all set up.

**X:** We aren't even engaged...

**Mumbo:** Do you think that's going to stop them?

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** You know how it goes, G. when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

**Grian:** Unless life also gives you water and sugar, your lemonade is going to taste like shit.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** When you work at Lush and a customer comes in and bites the soap because they think it's cheese.....this happens way more frequently than you think.

**Bdubs:** If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food maybe this wouldn't happen.

**Grian:** Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?

**Doc:** Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese.

|=====|=====|


	18. 18

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** You played me like a fiddle

**Doc:** Oh no, fiddles are actually difficult to play

**Doc:** I played you like the cheap kazoo you are

|=====|=====|

**Tfc** **:** How many children do you have?

**Joe** **:** Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** Iskall, Stress, this is Grian, I found him on the side of the -

**Iskall:** Mumbo, no, you can't keep adopting random children

**Mumbo:** Too late, I already adopted him

|=====|=====|

**X, to the other Hermits:** Pick your battles. Pick... pick fewer battles than that. Put some back. That's too many.

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** Can you overdose on vitamin D?

**xB:** I mean, that's technically how Icarus died

**Beef, with tears in his eyes:** iCarly is dead?

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs, Scar, and Cub:** *SCREAMING*

**Tango, sprinting into HEP HQ:** WHAT'S WRONG CUB??

**Scar:** WHY ARE YOU ONLY ASKING HIM?! WE'RE ALL SCREAMING

**Tango:** Because Cub doesn't scream unless it's an emergency. You two scream whenever you have the chance

|=====|=====|

**False, standing at the coffin at Cleo's funeral:** I can't believe I have to say goodbye... I need a moment on my own, guys...

**The rest of the server:** Ok take as long as you need

**The rest of the server:** [leaves]

**False:** [looks around]

**False:** The coast is clear

**Cleo:** [opens one eye]

**Cleo:** This is our best prank yet

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** If I could rearrange the alphabet, the first thing i'd do is put U and I together

**Hels:** If you could rearrange the alphabet, the first thing you'd do is spell SEX and then laugh about it for hours

**Ex:**

**Ex:** You know me so well

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Sorry it took me so long to arrive to the alleyway. I broke down on the way here.

**Stress:** Oh, is your car ok?

**Grian:** Car?

**Stress:**

**Grian:**

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** Hey, can I ask your advice on something?

**BadTimes:** Are you sure, dude? Isn't there someone else better you could ask? Like, literally anyone else?

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** Just buried Ex an hour ago :(

**Biffa:** He's gonna be so mad when he wakes up lmao

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Didn't you die?

**Zed:** That was an hour ago, things change

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** "Revenge"? That sounds dishonourable.

**Jevin:** Oh, good! So you're not going to-

**Wels:** I prefer to call it "returning the favour".

|=====|=====|

**Keralis, at B's funeral:** I'm gonna miss them so much

**Hypno, walking in:** Why are you all so sad.

**Keralis:** You're dead. I watched you get murdered.

**Hypno:** Death is a social construct

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** Whoops.

**Cub:** Whoops? Whoops? This is not a "Whoops" situation. We are far past whoops. Whoops is a distant speck in the rearview mirror. We are solidly in "Oh fuck" territory, and I expect you to act like it.

|=====|=====|

**Grian, peeking under the blanket:** Doc? Are you ready to come out and interact with other people?

**Doc:** [demonic screeching]

**Grian:** Understandable, have a good day babe.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** What is toothpaste, if not bone soap?

**Impulse:** Existence is a prison and being your friend is maximum security.

|=====|=====|

**xB:** Etho screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.

|=====|=====|

**X:** *falls down*

**Biffa:** *catches him* I think you just fell for m-

**X:** Put me down.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Papa didn't raise no quitter

**Grian:** Well, actually, papa didn't raise me at all

**Grian:** Which is why I'm quitting

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** I love knitting

**Wels:** Why?

**Hels:** I can make a scarf, I can make a hat, I can stab your eyes out, I can make mittens...

**Wels:** I'm sorry, what was the middle part?

**Hels:** I can make a hat

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**You have to watch an episode of Hermitcraft on loop for 24 hours. It can be by anyone from any season, which episode do you pick?**


	19. 19

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** You son of a bitch!

**Grian: [Grabbing his sword]** What did you just call my mother?!

**Iskall:** I meant your dad-

**Grian:** Oh, ok continue

|=====|=====|

**X** **:** What did you guys get in your yearbook?

**Ren** **:** Prettiest Smile

**Stress** **:** Nicest Personality

**Cleo:** "Most Likely to start a bar fight"

**False** **:** "Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one"

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Bro.

**Zed:** What, bro?

**Impulse:** Cover your eyes.

**Zed:** *covers his eyes*

**Impulse:** What do you see?

**Zed:** Nothing.

**Impulse:** That's what you mean to me, bro.

**Zed:** Br- wait.

|=====|=====|

**xB** **:** BISEXUALS ARE NOT CONFUSED

**Etho:** Actually I am. I don't know how to do taxes or how an engine works

**xB:** BISEXUALS ARE CONFUSED ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS BUT THEIR SEXUALITY AINT ONE

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** Doc won't trace it back to us.

**Keralis:** Are you for real? He traces everything back to us. He traces things we haven't even done back to us.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** Hey, Hels!

**BadTimes:** can Scar and I play fight outside?

**Hels:** Yeah, sure, whatever, I'm not your dad.

**Scar:** thank you!

**Hels:** noT IN THE STREET!!!

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** What does your gut tell you?

**Ex:** 'Go ask X, he'll know what to do'.

|=====|=====|

[sirens going off in the distance]

**Jevin, who has never done anything wrong in his life:** They found me

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** come on man!

**Joe:** To quote Hamlet, Act III, Scene III, Line 92: 'No'.

|=====|=====|

**[On a date]**

**Wels:** So what's your favourite colour?

**Beef:** Really? Don't ask me dumb questions.

**Wels:** How is formic acid prepared in a lab? Give the chemical reactions for it.

**Beef:**

**Beef:** My favourite colour is red.

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** Get out of my room, Mumbo.

**Mumbo:** *standing exactly one inch from the doorway* But I'm not even in your room

**Cub** **:** I don't care get out of my room!

**Mumbo:** But I'm not IN your room!

**Cub:** Well you're bothering me so GET OUT!

**Mumbo:** I'm just minding my own business!

**Cub:** Yeah, in MY room! SCAAAAR, Mumbo is in my room!

**Scar:** Mumbo, get out of Cub's room.

**Mumbo:** I'M NOT EVEN IN HIS FUCKING ROOM!

|=====|=====|

**Hypno, being righteous and inspiring:** Remember, you've survived 100% of your worst days!

**Cleo:** No I haven't.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** My furbie died in my arms when I was a child.

**TFC:** I am so sorry for your loss.

**Grian:** Wasn't a loss. I had never felt more like a god.

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.

**Bdubs:** What mood is that?

**Doc:** Last minute panic.

|=====|=====|

**Etho, to xB:** that's it! I'm challenging you to an Agni Kai!

**Beef, to Doc:** a what?

**Doc:** some nerd fight idk

**xB:** *pulling out a lighter and axe body spray* You're going down, bitch.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** *throwing away his controller* Dammit I lost again!

**Scar:**

**Scar** **:** Do you want me to leave the room so you can say bad words?

**BadTimes:** Yes, that would be lovely.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are.

**Ren:** It's not a joke.

**Ren:** *sniffles*

**Ren:** I'm a legit snack.

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo, at a mall:** excuse me, can I make an announcement? I lost my friends.

**Mall worker:** Of course!

**Mumbo, at full volume on the speakers:** Goodbye, you little shits.

|=====|=====|

**[In Among Us]**

**Tango:** Biffa was near X's body, didn't report

**Biffa:** I did not care about it

|=====|=====|

**[On a date]**

**Scar:** So what do you do?

**Cub, holding up the menu:** You just choose something to eat from here.

|=====|=====|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's Question:  
> You are taken back to January 1st 2020, what do you do?


	20. 20 [Evil's Gang Edition]

=====|=====|

 **BadTimes:** I bet underneath it all Hels' a sweetheart.

 **Ex:** Oh no, underneath it all he is pure evil.

 **BadTimes:** Ex, no one's pure evil. I mean yeah, some people have a hard outer shell, but inside everybody has a creamy center.

 **Ex:** There are plenty of people here, on this particular world, who are hard on the outside and hard on the inside!

 **BadTimes:** So they have more of a nougaty center?

 **Hels:** BadTimes, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.

|=====|=====|

 **Hels, drunk:** Ex, guess what?

 **Ex:** What?

 **Hels:** I have a crush on you.

**Ex:**

**Ex:** Hels, we've been married for three years.

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** I told Badtimes his ears turn red when he lies and now I can tell if he's really lying.

 **Hels:** What? Why?

 **Ex:** Watch this.

 **Ex:** BadTimes, do you love us?

 **BadTimes:** _*covering his ears*_ No.

|=====|=====|

 **BadTimes:** Day 200 of secretly living inside Ex's place, they do not suspect a thing. I can pull off a whole year if this goes on so smoothly.

 **Ex:** BadTimes...you're basically my child and you have been monologuing that all this time.

 **BadTimes:**...I feel like they are on to me.

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** I have an idea.

 **X:** Does it involve breaking the law?

 **Hels:** By now don't you think that's a given?

 **Joe:** He was just trying to be optimistic.

 **Ex:** Don't bother.

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** Why don't humans have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately"? Why are elephants more advanced than us?

 **Wels:** We do have a specific noise, it sounds like this: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** So... hypothetically... how does one make a date more interesting?

 **Ren:** Um, sometimes acting sort of mysterious can be intriguing?

 **Ex:** Got it, thanks.

*later*

 **Hels:** So, where are we going?

 **Ex:** None of your fucking business.

|=====|=====|

 **False:** So? Did you kiss him?

 **Ex:** No, the moment wasn't right. Look, Hels could actually be my future husband. I want our first kiss to be amazing.

 **Cleo:** Aww, Ex, that's so sweet. You chickened out like a little bitch!

|=====|=====|

 **BadTimes:** Why are you like this?

 **Hels:** The better question is why aren't YOU like this? I raised you! You should be EXACTLY like this!

|=====|=====|

 **Scar:** I just need to hear those three words out of you

 **BadTimes:** I love you

 **Scar:** Try again

 **BadTimes, grumbling:** ...I will behave

|=====|=====|

 **Doc:** you disgust me.

 **Ex:** *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don't care.

|=====|=====|

 **Grian, on the phone:** so how's it going?

 **Ex:** well apparently Hels' parents don't know he's pan yet so I have to pretend to be just a friend

 **Grian:** what? So they think their straight son just showed up with his gay roommate for Christmas?

 **Ex:** no... they also think I'm straight

 **Grian:** have they ever met a gay person?

|=====|=====|

 **Hels, watching it snow:** The world really is just a plate of spaghetti, and God has just given us parmesan.

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** Beef, is Ex...you know...

 **Hels:** *cuffs pants*

 **Hels:** *finger guns*

 **Beef:** What...?

 **Hels:** ...

 **Etho:** Yes. Yes they are.

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** *annoyed* Please somebody kill me

 **Hels:** But then I'd miss you!

 **Ex:** Alright, I'll live

|=====|=====|

 **Bdubs:** What do you need?

 **Ex:** Advice.

 **Bdubs:** That coat HAS to go. I've been wanting to say something for MONTHS.

**Ex:**

**Bdubs:** ...It's not about the coat, is it?

|=====|=====|

 **Hels** : Can I say something?

 **Ex** : Sure

 **Hels** : Your smile is the prettiest smile I've ever seen

 **Ex, blushing** : Can I say something too?

 **Hels** : Of course

 **Ex** : This smile only exists when I'm with you

 **Biffa** : I think I'm going to throw up

|=====|=====|

 **BadTimes** : did you know i snuffed an autobot?

 **Cub** : we know, you've said it everyday

 **BadTimes, pulling down a 200 slide powerpoint going into detail about Biffa's death** : i'm so glad you asked to hear about it

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** If I have to clean one more bloodstain from this carpet, I'm going to kill someone.

 **xB:** Sounds a little counterproductive.

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** I didn't lie! I was writing fiction with my mouth.

|=====|=====|

 **Mumbo:** Okay, what's a good neutral way to address everyone?

 **Ex:** Cowards

 **Impulse:** No

 **Hels:** Epic gamers

 **Keralis:** No!

 **BadTimes:** Mothers and fuckers of the court

 **Stress:** NO!!!

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** listen to me TFC

 **Hels:** in this world it is yeet or be yeeted

 **TFC:** I am begging you, please stop talking

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** Ow! Hey, don't I get any anesthesia?

 **Zed:** The first and second time that I stitch your wounds closed? Certainly.

 **Tango:** But by the third time you rip your stitches, I feel inclined to support your body's right to its natural outrage and discomfort.

 **Ex:** Hypno! Zed and Tango are torturing me! On purpose!

 **Hypno:** Good! I hope it really fucking hurts!

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** I need an extension for the assignment.

 **Jevin:** You cannot-

 **Hels:** I have a valid excuse this time!

 **Hels, taking out of nowhere a pile of papers:** I was busy writing an 85-page speech on why Wels deserves the world and is the best hermit ever born.

**Jevin:**

**Jevin:** Go on, I'm listening.

|=====|=====|

 **Ex:** I have no fear.

 **Iskall:** What if one day you woke up and BadTimes was taller than you?

 **Ex:** ...

 **Ex:** I have one fear.

|=====|=====|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's Question:
> 
> ... Actually, you know what I'm bored of asking you guys questions, do you have any questions for me? (And I mean ANY. I'll answer them when we get too 5000 reads on wattpad.)


	21. 21

|=====|=====|

**Etho, to xB:** HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY YOU CAN FINALLY.... IDK ADOPT A CHILD

**xB:** ...adopt a child?

**Etho:** Well there's not much else you can do at 18

**Etho:** OH YOU CAN VOTE THAT'S FUN

**Doc:** You can move out?

**Beef:** You can do taxes!

**Wels:** You can succumb to the crushing weight of society

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** You can trust me.

**X:** I have been in forests less shady than you.

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** What would you rather do? Go out and have fun or sit around and complain?

**BadTimes:** Sit around and complain!

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** Coffee or tea?

**Hels:** Coffee, ple-

**Biffa:** Wrong, it's tea.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** *to Mumbo* When you agree with me, it makes me question whether I actually agree with me.

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** *sneezes in his base*

**Cleo, hiding in the ceiling:** Bless you

**Joe:** goD????

|=====|=====|

**TFC:** Zed... maybe eating dog food isn't the best idea.

**Zed:** Relax, I've been eating it all my life, didn't I turn out fine?

**TFC:** No

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** As royal blood, I don't believe senseless violence is how my family ancestors would want me to solve things.

**Stress from a distance:** FREEZE HIS HEAD OFF!!

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** There's a good chance I may have committed some light treason.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Hey, Jevin... Are you wearing your running bottoms and your blue hoodie?

**Bdubs:** Jevin are you going running?

**Jevin:** *nods and leaves*

**Hypno:** Oh my god. What is wrong with Jevin?

**Bdubs:** Yeah, what happened?

**Keralis:** Jevin is going for a run, if anything we should be asking what is right with him

**Hypno:** He only goes running if he's upset. And he's wearing his sad hoodie. And by the looks of it, it's been washed which is bone chilling.

**Keralis:** He's fine, everything's okay.

**Wels:** *runs in* I just passed Jevin on the street, running. On purpose! Oh my god!

**Keralis:** Maybe I was wrong.

**Wels:** *screaming out the garage door* Jevin! Are you okay? I see you and I love you!

**Keralis:** In my defence, no one here emotes in a normal way.

**Hypno:** That's fair.

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** What, and I say this completely not joking, THE FUCK, ISKALL!?

**Iskall, hanging from a ceiling fan doused with glitter:** *cackles maniacally*

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** Hey can I have these question mark stickers?

**Cub:** Why?

**Ren:** I wanna put them on stop signs.

**Cub:** ...Only if I can help

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Try not to kill anyone on accident.

**False:** I'm not an idiot, Impulse. I know how to kill people on purpose.

|=====|=====|

**Grian, patting Zed and Tango's backs after a mission:** Well done gays

**Tango:** uh haha do you mean guys

**Grian:** Did I stutter

|=====|=====|

**X:** There's three ways to do things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Ex way.

**Mumbo:** Isn't that the wrong way?

**Ex:** Yeah, but it's faster.

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** What? I'm not that aggressive!

**Jevin:** Last Tuesday, you whacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?

**Wels:** survival of the fittest, bitch

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Why are you following me?

**BadTimes:** Ex and Hels told me to follow my dreams.

**Scar:** So, I'm your dream?

**BadTimes:** No, you just happened to be going to the Mycelium Resistance base as well.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** I think it's hilarious when people tell me I'm laid back. I've pretty much been screaming non-stop in my head since, like, year 4.

|=====|=====|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's Question:  
> If you had to be any animal for the rest of your life, what animal would you be?


	22. 22

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** I got thrown in the stocks today. Again.

**Mumbo, sighing:** What did you do this time?

**Grian:** In the town hall, Scar pointed his sword at me and said "There's an idiot at the end of this sword".

**Grian:** So I asked which end.

**Mumbo:**

|=====|=====|

**New Hermit:** Can you tell me where Xisuma's base is?

**Ex:** Yeah, for sure. You go down there, you turn left, you look for a broken down, stressed, tired man who looks like he's functioning on seven cups of coffee and one working brain cell, and you follow him.

**New Hermit:** And he'll take me to Xisuma?

**Ex:** That is Xisuma.

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** How did none of you hear what I just said?

**Scar:** I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

**Tango:** I got distracted about halfway through.

**Cub:** Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

|=====|=====|

**X after seeing some people do something stupid:** oh god what idiots

**X after realizing it's the Hermits:** oh no those are my idiots

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** I want to wake up with you for the rest of my life

**Doc:** I wake up at 6 am

**Ren:** ...

**Ren:** I want to go to bed with you for the rest of my life

**Doc:** I go to bed at 3 am.

**Ren:** ...

|=====|=====|

**Zed, t-posing in the doorway:** good morning, parental figure.

**Tfc, not even looking up from his coffee:** good morning, problem child.

|=====|=====|

**Hels, sighing:** Well, murder wasn't exactly on my agenda today.

**BadTimes:** Um, murder isn't really on anyone's agenda.

**Hels:** No, it's on mine, just not until next Thursday.

**BadTimes:** ... And you're not inviting me?

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** We are not leaving False behind.

**Biffa:** Maybe it's his time, what do we know?

**Joe:** Who are we to play God?

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** what does "take out" mean?

**Beef:** food.

**xB:** dating.

**Hypno:** murder.

**Wels:** it can be all three if you're bold enough.

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** ...You have far too much faith in me.

**Stress:** And you have far too little.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** So in your resume it says your creative

**False:** Yes

**Keralis:** Ok. May I know what you create?

**False:** Anarchy

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** in my defence, I was left unsupervised.

**Impulse:** you were with Mumbo!

**Mumbo:** in my defence, I was also left unsupervised.

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** The next person who insults X is gonna get beat up.

**X:** [In the distance] Damn I'm such an idiot

**Biffa:** Alright Void square up, no one insults my boyfriend and gets away with it.

|=====|=====|

**Tango, holding a gun to Grian's head:** Tell me the name of god you fungal piece of shit

**Grian:** Can you feel your heart burning? Can you feel the struggle within? The fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. You cannot kill me in a way that matters

**Tango, cocking the gun, shaking:** I'M NOT FUCKING SCARED OF YOU

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes, holding up a banner:** it's supposed to say "Ex's birthday" but the printer messed up!

**Hels:** so what does it say?

**BadTimes:** Ex's bi

**Hels:** ... still works

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** This was a gift from my father.

**Grian:** Really? Wow, your dad gives pretty bad gifts. But I guess I have no room to talk. My dad just gave me rejection anxiety!

**Scar:**

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** On a scale of "look at all those chickens" to "fre sha voca do", how do you feel today?

**Cleo:** In between "it's an avocado thanks" and "honey you got a big storm coming".

**Ex:** I would say "I don't need no degree to be a clothing hanger".

**Wels:** Probably "road work ahead".

**X, in the background, sobbing:** WHAT DO THEY MEAN

|=====|=====|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's Question:  
> What is the meaning of life?


	23. 23

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** What scares you the most?

**Keralis:** Sharks.

**Bdubs:** The dark.

**Grian:** The unstoppable marching of time that is slowly guiding us towards our inevitable deaths.

**Mumbo:** Grian.

|=====|=====|

**Jevin, at a meeting with the Mycelium Resistance:** Are you ok? You look just about ready to launch yourself out the base and beat HEP to death.

**Ex:** Trust me, it's taking every inch of my control, _not to._

|=====|=====|

**kidnapper, on the phone with Scar:** We have your brother.

**Scar:** BadTimes?

**kidnapper:** Yes.

**Scar:** Oh, you don't have him, he has you.

**kidnapper:** What?

**BadTimes, stood 2 inches away from the kidnapper:** Hi

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** What's worse than heartbreak?

**Etho:** Realizing dragons can't blow out their own birthday candles :(

**Beef:**

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** You're far too trusting, do you have any idea how easily I could kill you?

**X:** Of course dear, you tell me as much, quite often. I'm well aware of how dangerous you are.

**Biffa:** ...Then why stay? Why show such vulnerability, knowing what you know?

**X:** Because no one has ever treated me with as much tenderness and respect as you do, and because I _know_ you'll never intentionally harm me. Whether you like it or not, I trust you.

**X:** Also you give me food.

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** I wish I could, like- block people in real life.

**Hypno:** Restraining order.

**Hels:** Murder.

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** I have the sharpest memory here. Name one thing that I forgot.

**Cleo:** You left me in the nether three weeks ago.

**Joe:** That was on purpose, try again.

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** Oh, God, Zed, are you okay? Are you alive? Knock once if you're alive, and knock twice if you're dead!

**Zed:**

**Zed:** [knocks twice]

**Tango:** Oh, God! He's dead!

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** When straight people assume I'm one of them I feel like a gay secret agent.

**False:** Lesbionage.

**Cub:** Bi Spy.

**Ren:** It's an Ace Case.

**Iskall:** Pan with a Plan.

**Impulse:** ...Secret Gaygent.

|=====|=====|

**xB:** who's the more clingy one?

**Wels, sitting on X's lap, with his arms wrapped around his neck and face buried into his chest:** X, obviously.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Just letting you know that I'm back on my bullshit~!

**Tfc:** You say that as if you were ever _off_ it.

|=====|=====|

**X:** Why are Zed and Tango sitting with their backs to each other?

**Impulse:** They had a fight.

**X:** Then why are they holding hands?

**Impulse:** They get sad when they fight.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** If I die, I want to be buried, but not in a casket. I want my dead body to nourish the soil and at least be useful in my death.

**Ex:** Be useful in your life first.

**Hels:** Nah, it's far too late for that

**BadTimes:** Can we go back to when he said "IF I die" ? ??

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** Hey, we're friends, right?

**Jevin:** Normally, I'd say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don't like it.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** And when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany.

**Iskall, ten minutes earlier:** I'm going to throw myself into the void.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** So apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Hey, can you teach me how to play the trumpet?

**Wels:** Why?

**Hypno:** I want to follow Jevin around and annoy him with it.

**Wels:** You know you don't need to know how to play the trumpet to annoy Hypno, right?

**Hypno:**

**Hypno:** Oh, my god, you're right.

|=====|=====|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's Question:  
> You have the ability to go back in time and do anything, what is the first thing you do?


	24. 24

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** I don't know how to tell you this, Jevin, but you're in love with me.

**Jevin:** What?

**Jevin:**

**Jevin:** Oh my god, I am.

**Wels:** What kind of confession did I just witness?

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** *taps table*

**Etho:** *taps table back*

**Doc:** what the hell are they doing?

**xB:** Morse code.

**Grian:** *taps table aggressively*

**Etho, standing up from his seat:** YOU BITCH! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

|=====|=====|

**Random Person:** How did you get to know Xisuma so quickly?

**Hels:** Dated his brother.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** What is your favorite leg?

**Ex:** Left.

[later]

**X:** What's the weirdest thing your kid has ever asked you?

**Ex:** "What is your favorite leg?"

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** Sometimes I feel like I failed as a father.

**Scar:** SOMETIMES?

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** Doc has a picture of me in his wallet. He said whenever he faces a problem, he looks at it and the problem disappears.

**Rest of the nHo:** awww~

**Bdubs:** Yeah, I thought it was unusually sweet too until he said, "Because what problem could possibly be worse than you?"

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Woah, are you ok?! What's wrong?!

**Zed:** Oh nothing much. Just accidentally bound my soul to that of someone who _should_ have been fictional, but somehow isn't, and is now stuck with me for the foreseeable future.

**Impulse:** ...I'm sorry I asked.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** I scare people lots because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms so when they turn around I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me

**Iskall:** how did you get in my house?

**Grian:** exactly

|=====|=====|

**Cleo and False, walks into the room holding hands:**

**Stress:** So who finally confessed?

**Cleo, smiling proudly:** It was me. I made sure it was short and sweet.

**False:** You yelled "listen here you little shit I have feelings for you and it's about time you acknowledged them" from the roof.

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** Ex is at that very special age when a person has only one thing on their mind.

**Tfc:** Sex?

**Joe:** Homicide.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** I need you

**Beef:** For

**Keralis:** Ever

**Beef:** * _voice crack_ * okay

|=====|=====|

**Cub, to HEP before they found the Resistane HQ:** we need to infiltrate the Mycelium Resistance base! We know they're up to something!!

**Meanwhile... Ren, to the Mycelium Resistance:** Alright so for this game of freeze tag you can't use your hands and my lab is off limits-

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** Can I please have some attention?

**Zed, hugging him tight:** HERE'S YOUR ATTENTION.

|=====|=====|

**Biffa** **:** So, here's the tea.

**Mumbo** **:** For the last time, it's called a mission report.

**Biffa** **:** Listen, do you want the tea or not?

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** You're fucking weird.

**Wels:** And you are adequately self-aware to recognize the hypocrisy of that remark.

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** I hate you!

**xB:** I hate me too! You're not special!

**Etho, softly:** bro we talked about this-

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is an idiot.

**Doc:** And by "sometimes" I mean "all of the time."

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** Want to help me with my wedding?

**Iskall:** Oh, you're getting married?

**Ren:** Yeah!

**Iskall:** That's nice. What do you want me to do?

**Ren:** Be my spouse.

|=====|=====|

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's Question:  
> You wake up with the ability to see people's usernames for every site they use, Who do you look up first and why?


	25. [5000 Reads on Wattpad QnA]

**Anonymous_Lobster (Ao3)+ Snowmen For Lizi (Quotev): Who's your favorite Hermit?**

I don't have a favourite Hermit but I watch Wels and Grian the most, so you could say those two are my favourites.

**British_bread (Wattpad): Where do you lay politically?**

I don't really know, politics confuse me.

**MidnightCarrot64 (Wattpad): What are some headcanons you have for the Hermits?**

I only recently started coming up with headcanons for the Hermits so i've only got a few:

Etho goes to night school

Ex, Hels and BadTimes run a coffee shop called _Good Guy Grounds_

Grian and Scar have a bet to see who can keep the most cats, dogs and parrots alive by the end of the season, except a few of the other Hermits have bet on them as well (Should I write a oneshot about this?)

Hels and Ex see BadTimes as their child

Grian is known to be quite loud most of the time but he can be silent when he wants to, a trait which he often uses to scares the other Hermits

**Baguettes_cool (Wattpad):What is one collab between Hermits you would pay to see?**

Zedaph and Doc. I don't know if they've ever properly interacted on camera but I can see them making a really complicated redstone contraption and then turning it into something that could go in Zed's Cave Of Contraptions. Or they would make the stupidest trap that would be surprisingly effective.

**Singing a song of angry men (Quotev):What is your favourite breakfast item and why is it pancakes?**

My favourite breakfast item is waffles so I can't really answer the second part of your question. Pancakes are my second favourite tho!

**IzzyCy (Ao3):What do you think the next war on hermitcraft would be?**

Well Grian has gone into direct competition with Ren selling logs so maybe something to do with that. Although, I think the idea of Grian taking over so much of the shopping district with the barge that anyone who wants their own shop starts a war to make him downsize would be funny.

**TheBookwormGals (Quotev):** When will you do a Grian chapter?

Whenever my magic wheel of Hermits decides that it is time for a Grian chapter.

**CookiesandTrees (Wattpad): Do you have any favourite trees?**

Cannonball trees are cool.

**AtomicKarma8661 (Wattpad): Mycelium or grass?**

Mycelium, obviously. It's the best type of dirt you could have.


	26. 25 [Cleo Edition]

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** you're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you

**Stress:** I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule

**Cleo** **:** absolutely not

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** stop being so mean to me or I swear I'm gonna fall in love with you

**Scar:** not if I fall in love with you first!

**Grian:** is that a challenge?!

**Cleo** **:** I am begging you two to stop

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** What are you writing?

**Ex:** The others want to know what kind of crimes we plan to commit. I'm letting them know it's private information

**Cleo** **: [Peering over Ex's shoulder]** That just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy

**Ex:** Mhm

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** Allow me to de-introduce myself.

**Cleo** **:** My name is [REDACTED].

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Pouring water in your socks!

**TFC:** Why would we do that?

**Cleo** **:** It's quick, it's easy, and it's free!

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** I'm having one of those things... a headache with a picture...

**Jevin:** what the fuck

**Hypno:** she's having an idea

|=====|=====|

[Cleo trying to sneak out of Joe's base in a huge coat]

**Joe:** What's in the coat, Cleo?

**Cleo** **:** Uh-

**Cleo** **:** Drugs.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **, mockingly:** Well aren't you sugar and spice and everything nice?

**Bdubs:** Well aren't you rudeness and sarcasm and, uh...

**Cleo** **:** No, go on. You find something that rhymes with sarcasm and makes sense and I'll never bother you again

|=====|=====|

**Therapist:** what do we say when life disappoints us?

**Cleo** **:** called it

**Therapist:** no **  
**

**X:** It is what it is

**Therapist:** definitely not

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** I'm kind of befriending someone, but I'm worried about telling you who it is, because I don't think you're going to like it

**Hels:** Just rip the bandage off.

**Cleo** **:** Her name's Carol.

**Hels:** Put the bandage back on.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** *Runs to Cleo for a hug*

**Cleo** **:** *Steps aside*

**Keralis:** Cleo! Why did you move?

**Cleo** **:** I thought you were going to attack me.

**Keralis:** I was going to hug you!

**Cleo** **:** Why would you hug me?

**Keralis:** WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU?

|=====|=====|

**False:** I would die for you, Cleo.

**Cleo** **:** Please don't. how can I annoy you, if you're gone?

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** I trust you, Beef.

**Beef:** That's a bad idea, Cleo. **  
**

|=====|=====| **  
**

**Etho:** Hey Cleo go fuck yourself

**Cleo** **:** Fuck me yourself, you coward

|=====|=====|

**xB:** *carves XB + C on a tree*

**Cleo** **:** *huffs* Nerd.

**Cleo** **:**

**Cleo** **:** *carves 4ever below it*

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** The upside of only having one eye is that my eyeliner is always perfect. I don't have to replicate shit.

**Mumbo:** What about depth perception????

**Cleo** **:** Irrelevant. 

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** I'm gonna stab so many orphans. and one of them is gonna be you.

**Iskall:**...but I'm not an orphan?

**Cleo** **:** _NOT YET_

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **, :** We need to cut down on our expenses because of the budget cuts. What can we live without?

**Impulse:** Probably Tango in the basement

**Cleo** **:** Perfect. You do that and I'll get this redstone and-

**Cleo** **:**

**Cleo** **:** Wait What

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** Good job, guys.

**Tango:** You're giving us stickers?!

**Cleo** **:** Not just stickers. They have kittens saying "Me-Wow!"

**Zed:** We aren't toddlers.

**Cleo** **:** Okay, I'll take it back.

**Zed:** Hey, we earned these, back off!

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** wouldn't it be fucked up if vegetables were actually sentient and could feel things when we ate them?

**Doc:** Cleo, repeat after me:

**Doc:**

**Cleo** **:** you aren't saying anything

**Doc:** exactly

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** **:** How many plushies does BadTimes need??? When I was a kid, I had two rocks. One sharp. One not. Take the sharp rock, try to stab things. Take the not sharp one, try to make it sharp.

**Cub:**...

**Cub:** That actually explains a lot.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** I don't think I can stay in the same house as the guy who ruined my life.

**Beef:** For fuck's sake.

**Beef:** I'll buy you more coco puffs in the morning.

|=====|=====| **  
**

**Cleo** **:** Ren pissed me off yesterday, so I changed my phone background to a random picture of some guy.

**Wels** **:** Oh come on now Cleo, you guys are best friends. Do you really think Ren is that jealous or insecure?

**Ren, screaming from another room:** CLEO! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS?!

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** How do you think you're going to stop me?

**BadTimes:** [joins the game]

**Cleo:** You sick son of a bitch.

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** X and I-

**Cleo:** are getting married??

**X:** no, we-

**Cleo, pulling out a giant binder:** sit down. I’ve planned out the entire thing

|=====|=====| **  
**

**Today's Question:**

**You can choose one law to be able to break with no consequences, what law is it?**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter and, until the next time, Bye! ~Black**


	27. 26 [Christmas Edition]

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** You're making me claustrophobic.

**Zed:** What's that mean?

**Tango:** It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.

**Impulse:** No it doesn't

**Zed:** Ho ho ho!

**Tango:** Stop it, Zed! You're scaring him!

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** Merry Christmas, I got this for you.

**Hels:** Oh, thanks, Ex you shouldn't ha-

**Hels:** Um...

**Hels:** Ex, this is a framed picture of you.

**Ex:** That's right. Only the best for you, babe

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** Doc, what do you want for Christmas?

**Doc:** Revenge.

**Stress:** What practical thing do you want for Christmas?

**Doc:** Instruments of torture.

**Stress:** What harmless thing do you want for Christmas?

**Doc:** Redstone componants.

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** It's almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety.

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** He's making a list, he's checking it twice! He's gonna find out who's on thin fucking ice!

**BadTimes:** Santa Claus is calling you out!

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Mumbo help, I'm trapped under the tree and the star's tangled in my hair.

**Mumbo:** Why were you under the tree?

**Grian:** ... Because I'm a gift to this world?

|=====|=====|

**TFC:** Who put silly string in everyone's stocking?

**Scar:** I wanna have a silly string fight.

**Bdubs:** I second that motion.

**TFC:** I don't think that's a good-

**Bdubs:** You're not letting Scar have his Christmas wish?

**TFC:** Well-

**Scar:** You won't let Bdubs have fun?

**TFC:** I give up.

|=====|=====|

**False:** What are you gonna bring to christmas dinner?

**Cleo:** My negative attitude and sparkling personality

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** Why do you always look so mad?

**Beef:** I can't help it. I have a resting Grinch face.

|=====|=====|

**X:** Jevin?

**Jevin:** Yes?

**X:** Why are you laying under the Christmas tree?

**Jevin:** Because I am a GIFT.

**Hypno, from the other room:** You sure are, Jevin!!

|=====|=====|

**xB:** I hope I get run over.

**Etho:** Awww! Come on, it's Christmas! Get in the spirit!

**xB:** *sighs* Fine, I wanna get run over by a reindeer.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** It's weird you celebrate Christmas, didn't you say you don't believe in God?

**Joe:** It's weird you celebrate Valentine's Day, didn't you say nobody likes you?

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** [grumbles] I hate the holidays!

**Scar:** [Puts a Santa hat on Loki's head] Merry Christmas Cub!

**Ren:** [reaches for hat] You wouldn't care then if I-

**Cub:** Don't ruin Christmas for me!

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Mentally I am ready for Christmas.

**Grian:** Financially I am not ready for Christmas.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** h-

**False:** no. Absolutely not. _I don't think so._ Do you have _any_ idea what kind of careful thought and planning goes into something like this?? Huh? DO YOU? Do you have any sort of _inkling_ about what how much effort it takes to have it functioning at full efficiency while also looking as discrete as possible? How _impractical_ and _dangerous_ your idea would be to implement?? No of _course_ you don't because CLEARLY you think it's perfectly acceptable to just WALTZ in here and as for a _goDDAMN SANTA CLAUS THEMED SUI-_

**Stress, 3 minutes later, via chat:** mhm yeah and you want the beard to be how long?

|=====|=====|

**X:** Toss me my keys!

**Ex:** *throws Christmas tree in X's direction*

**X:** ... I said my keys.

**Ex:** I thought you said Christmas tree.

**X:** Why the fuck would I say Christmas tree???

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** -walks into room-

**Beef:** -softly singing "All I Want For Christmas Is You"-

**Etho:** Oh, are you going to sing that to Keralis?

**Beef:** No, I was gonna sing it to my llamas.

**Etho:**

**Beef:** Why? Should I sing it to Keralis?

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** I seem to have the best luck! Every time I run into Bdubs, there just happens to be a sprig of Mistletoe above us.

**Tango:** [amused] How many times have you kissed?

**Keralis:** [proudly] 327 times so far!

**Tango:** When's the wedding?

[Meanwhile]

**Cub, reading a book:** Honestly, Bdubs. You could have just said you liked him. He would have probably kissed you without the greenery.

**Bdubs, freaking out and trying to figure out how to reverse the 'Mistletoe Spell':** This is NOT the time for your lectures, Cub! Christmas is nearly over and I can't figure out how to make it go away!

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** When you've lived on Hermitcraft this long, you develop thick skin.

**Iskall:** Red is not your color

**Ren:** RED BRINGS OUT MY _EYES Y_ ** _OU_** _ **PRICK**_

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** Here's a fun Christmas idea— hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to fight whoever is under it.

**BadTimes:** Mistlefoe.

**Hels:** SOMEONE'S HALLS ARE GETTING DECKED.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** Dear, Santa

**Zed:** I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty

**Zed:** And it was worth it, judgemental bastard

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** how do you take your coffee?

**Jevin:** as dark as my soul

**Hypno:** one vanilla latte with extra sugar and cream coming right up

|=====|=====|

**xB:** Okay, why are you now on top of the tree?

**Wels:** Because I'm a star, xB, keep up.

|=====|=====|

\- Christmas time, on Hermitcraft -

**Mumbo:** *into his fist* WELCOME HERMITS, TO OUR FIRST EVER UGLIEST CHRISTMAS SWEATER COMPETITION!!!

**Hermits:** *whoops and cheers of excitement and delight*

**Mumbo:** *grinning* first up, we have TFC! *pauses* *continues indignantly* ....who is INSTANTLY disqualified for taping a hand mirror onto his Christmas sweater. *mock gasps* THE AUDACITY!

**TFC:** *leaning back on the couch again, rolling his eyes* not my fault you can't accept the truth

**Mumbo:** *looks at him fondly* aww, you know you love us! Thanks for participating anyways!

**Mumbo:** Who's next?

**Doc:** *raises his hand, deadpan* I'd like to nominate myself

**Mumbo:** *takes one look at his sweater and bursts into laughter* DOC OH MY GOD- *wheezing*

**Hermits:** *craning around to look at his sweater as he stands up and spins for them* *snickering and breaking into applause and cackles of laughter when they see it*

**Joe:** *still confused* Doc, this is an ugly sweater competition

**Doc:** *stopping spinning and looking at him incredulously*

**Doc:** yes, and how does a sweater with Evil X's face on it not fit the criteria?

**Mumbo:** *still doubled over, tears in his eyes* THIS IS FUCKING GOLD OH MY GOD- DOC WINS, NO QUESTIONS ASKED! EVERYONE ELSE, JUST GIVE IT UP AND GO HOME! *still wheezing*

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** The idea that the turf war could have ended on Christmas is just so funny to me because like

*on the battlefield*

**Bdubs:** I'm your secret Santa by the way

**Ren:** Oh really what'd you get me

**Bdubs:** *stabs him* Pain

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Its christmas! Are you all in the Christmas mood?

**Ex:** Merry Crisis

**BadTimes:** Jingle bells, Jingle bells, single all the way

**Grian:** Hoe hoe hoe

**Scar:** Guys please

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** Where's your Christmas spirit?

**Wels:** Excuse you, I'm festive as fuck.

|=====|=====|

[Zed and Impulse in front of a camera, in a toy sleigh with fake snow falling on them from above and a green screen behind them]

**Impulse, in a Christmas sweater:** I can't do this. I'm not a holiday person...

**Zed, in a Christmas sweater too:** what would it take to get you in the Christmas spirit?

**Impulse:** are we getting paid to do this?

**Zed:** actually, yes

**Impulse:** well then...

**Impulse, using his best Santa voice:** HO HO HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** It's Christmas time & you know what it means.

**Jevin:** The happiness that I haven't feel for 20 years?

**xB:** Everyone trying to kill each other on the dinner table?

**Etho:** The sweet release of death?

**Beef:** The fact that I will only get coal from Santa?

**Hypno:** I was gonna say "ugly sweaters competition" but you know what? We're going to therapy.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**How are you spending this Christmas? Or what are you doing this time of year, if you don't celebrate Christmas?**

**I hope you enjoyed this Christmas chapter. Until the next one, Bye!**


	28. 27

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Have you seen Zed?

**Iskall:** Blond guy with blue eyes, obnoxious laugh, way too annoying for his own good?

**Impulse:** Yeah exactly

**Iskall:** Never seen him

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** I'm so ready to be able to legally drink.

**Grian:** Only eating all these years has left me very thirsty.

**Grian:** I have heard very good things about water.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** [about Ex] Why aren’t you dating him?

**Hels:** Because I’d destroy him.

**Biffa:** He’d be into that.

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

**Stress:** ...I did, I broke it.

**Etho:** No, no you didn't. xB?

**xB:** Don't look at me, look at Doc!

**Doc:** What?! I didn't break it!

**xB:** Then how'd you know it was broken?

**Doc:** Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

**xB:** Suspicious.

**Doc:** NO IT'S NOT!

**Stress:** Let's not fight, I broke it. let me pay for it, Corpse.

**Etho:** No! Who broke it?

**Doc:** Ex's been awfully quiet...

**Ex:** REALLY?!

**Doc:** YEAH REALLY!

**Etho:** _*in another room*_ I broke it. It burned my hand, so I punched it. I predict ten minutes from know they'll be at each other's throats with war paint in their faces and Ex's helmet on a stick.

**Etho:** Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** Promise me that you wont start any fights this time.

**Wels:** Fine, I promise I wont start any fights.

**Jevin:** Thank you.

**Wels:** ...I will _finish_ them though.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** shotgun!!!!

**False:** Oh, come on, you were shotgun on the way he-

**Cleo:** No I found a shotgun!!

**Cleo:** _*cocks gun*_ I also want front seat!

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** Why is there a normal sized carrot in the bag of baby carrots?

**Scar:** They needed adult supervision.

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** IF YOU HATE MY MOUSTACHE, SIR, THEN YOU HATE ME.

|=====|=====|

*meeting for the first time*

**TFC:** Listen, kid-

**Zed:** you can call me Zed

**TFC:** I’d rather not. If I named you, I could get attached

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** Who decided to call it 'emotional baggage' and not 'griefcase'?

**Keralis:** He's onto something.

**X:** *deep sigh*

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** BEEF!!! REN IS BEING STUPID!!!

**Beef, not paying attention:** REN STOP IT!

**Ren, just sitting there:** What- what the FUCK?!

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Do you think different paints have different tastes?

**Joe:** They do.

**Hypno:** Why do you say that with such certainty?

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** If I died how much would you miss me?

**Grian:** It’s cute you think death will get you out of this relationship.

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** Here’s the thing though. Is it still a murder if I give them a heads up?

**Hels:** I think that's called a threat.

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Would you shoot your partner in the leg for 10 million diamonds?

**Tango:** You shoot me in the leg and once it's get better we'll buy a huge ass mansion.

**Zed** **:** You can shoot me too and we'll have 20 million diamonds.

**Tango** **:** Good idea.

**Zed** **:** Fuck the system.

|=====|=====|

**xB:** I’m like 90% sure humans can’t outrun moose.

**Beef:** They can run 35mph.

**Etho:** If a moose ran through a school zone, it would get a ticket.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** False isn't answering her phone.

**Stress:** I'll call.

**Cleo:** Iskall and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-

**False, over the phone:** Hello?

|=====|=====|

**Grian, entering his therapist’s office on a skateboard and drinking apple juice:** Hey, you’re not gonna believe this-

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** What are all these dead bodies doing here?!

**BadTimes:** Honestly not much.

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** If you're smart, you'll run away.

**Ex:** Far far away....

**X:** Well I'm not!

**Ex:** you're not smart?

**X:** NO!!

**X:** I meant I'm not running away. You know that. I _am_ smart. Why must you phrase your sentences like that.

**Ex:** I'm a villain

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** [Holding up Mumbo’s sweater] what colour is this?

**TFC:** It’s grey

**Joe:** grey

**Zed:** grey

**Iskall:** [turns to Mumbo] now tell them what colour you said it is

**Mumbo:** [quietly] …dark white

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**You can meet any of the Hermits in real life, who do you meet?**


	29. 28

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** You wanna get a bite to eat?

**Zed:** Sure. Impulse too?

**Tango:** Haven't seen him in a while. I don't think he's awake right now.

**Impulse, in a domino mask, from atop the fridge:** You'd be incorrect in that conjecture, TangoTek.

**Tango:** JESUS FUCKING CHRIST–

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs, before Grian joined:** Apperently we're getting a new Hermit

**Keralis:** Are we stealing them?

**Doc:** New or used?

**Bdubs:** Wonderful responses, both of you

|=====|=====|

**Joe, looking up at the full moon:** It's the perfect night for a werewolf to come out!

**Ren:** I'm gay

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** I just ended a four year relationship.

**Hypno:** Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

**Wels:** Hm? Oh yeah, I'm fine. It wasn't my relationship

*Hels and Ex fighting from across the room*

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** *babbling cutely in their sleep*

**Hels:** *rolls over and cuddles up to Ex so he can wrap his hand over their mouth* *

**Hels, whispering into their ear:** shut the fuck up

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo** : I always sleep with a knife under my pillow.

**Iskall** : Weak. I always sleep with a gun.

**Grian** : You're both pathetic.

**Iskall** : Really? What do you sleep with?

**Grian** : Doc.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** You have friends, and I envy that.

**Scar:** You're welcome to share my friends.

**BadTimes:** *looks at Cub and and the other Hermits*

**BadTimes:** I don't want those.

|=====|=====|

**TFC:** We need to distract these guys

**X:** Leave it to me

**X:** Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

**Cleo, False and Stress:** *immediately begin arguing*

**TFC, watching in horror:** Oh this. I don't like this. I don't like this at all

|=====|=====|

**xB:** I love sleepovers

**Jevin:** This isn't a sleepover, you're in the hospital

**xB:** Then what is this sweet party drink?

**Cub:** That's a blood transfusion. I'm giving it to you so you don't die.

**xB:** Truth or dare

**Jevin:**

**Cub:**

**Jevin:** ...Dare

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** I have an idea.

**Beef:** Your last idea was murder.

**Etho:** LET THE MAN SPEAK!

|=====|=====|

**False:** Fruits that do not live up to their names: passionfruit, grapefruit, honeydew, dragonfruit.

**False:** Fruits that do live up to their names?

**False:** Orange.

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** You can't just throw money at all your problems.

**Cleo:** *throws a wad of cash at Stress' face* bet.

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** you've got to learn to love yourself

**X:** don't you hate yourself??

**Wels:** yeah but this is about you, stay focused

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** What the hell is going on in here?

**Zed:** Tango's trying to steal my sandwich!

**Tango:** Well, we both ordered meatball subs, but they only delivered one. It's mine!

**Impulse:** Guys, guys! Look, just go to the sub shop and get a second sandwich.

**Zed:** Leave?

**Tango:** Are you insane?

**Impulse:** Fine, cut the damn sandwich in half.

**Tango:** And then what, genius? We each eat a six-inch sub?

**Zed:** Two and a half meatballs apiece!?

**Tango:** Are we children?

**Zed:** What is this, Russia?

|=====|=====|

***at Grian's funeral***

**Mumbo:** Can I have a moment alone?

**X:** Of course, take all the time you need

**Mumbo, leaning over the coffin as soon as he leaves:** Listen I know you're not dead

**Grian:** Yeah no shit

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** How the hell are you still alive?

**BadTimes:** Honestly, I'm just as confused as you are.

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** Who has wronged you?

**Wels:** You ask me that? Are you brainless? Do you have any brain at all?

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** I invented a chess opening called the lovers gambit where you toss the pieces aside and start kissing your opponent on the table

**Ex:** does anyone want to play chess?

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** Hypno taught me to think before I act.

**Jevin:** ...so if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured I thought about it and am confident in my decision.

|=====|=====|

**xB:** When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it's so romantic. 2 lovers on a date.... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

|=====|=====|

**False and Cleo:** 3...2...1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

**Stress:** Guys, it's not even midnight yet, can you stop saying that every time the microwave goes off?

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.

**TFC:** It's usually an oncoming train.

**Joe:** Could you just not try to kill my vibe for five seconds?

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** Doc is no longer allowed to take the trash out at night. Why you ask? Because I've caught him 5 times now trying to train raccoons to fight.

**Doc:** You'll be thanking me when the 3rd racoon battalion saves your ass...

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** I would rather die than help you.

**Jevin:** Oh, don't be boring. Everybody who says that dies.

|=====|=====|

**Etho:** Welcome to Hurtin Hermits! Please leave your sanity and common sense at the door.

**X:** Won't I need those?

**Etho:** Not anymore.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**What would you genetically change about humans to make them a better species?**


	30. 29

|=====|=====|

* **BadTimes, taking off his shirt to show Ex his many scars***

**Ex, delicately tracing them with his fingertips:** what……happened to you

**BadTimes** : WELL that one’s where I lied down on a lightbulb and THAT one is from running through cornstalks barefoot and THAT one is because I kept scratching a mosquito bite in my sleep and THAT one is from fighting a goose and tHIs is from when I fell through a window in a tickle fight, an-

**Ex:** Why does anyone try to fight a goose?

**BadTimes:** Sometimes the goose gives you no option

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** You’re annoying

**Grian:** But you love me

**Doc:** Doesn’t make you any less annoying

|=====|=====|

**Cleo** : You staying up?

**Joe** : Apologies, but I must forfeit my eyes so that I might be plunged into darkness so I may awaken with the song birds.

**Cleo** : Goodnight

**Joe** : My well wishes to you as well my dear. May the faes not take you this night.

|=====|=====|

**Hels** : *messaging Wels* I just heard a bouncing noise in the kitchen and then that was followed by Ex saying “Oh no my potato”

|=====|=====|

**Tango** : I, personally, would love to calm down, and yet

**Tango** : *gestures vaguely*

***Zed bickering with Grian, Impulse screaming, Ex pestering X***

**Tango** : They just won’t let me

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs** : I really hate the fact that you’re so much taller than me.

**Keralis** : Trust me, there’s an advantage in you being down there.

**Bdubs** : Which one?

**Keralis** : When I hug you, you can listen to my heart which only beats for you.

|=====|=====|

**Cub** : So we are made out of 70% water right?

**Cub** : And we drink water too

**Scar** : C A N N I B A L I S M

|=====|=====|

**Hels** : I was born first!

**Wels, pulling out his sword** : And if you continue to annoy me, you’ll die first too!

|=====|=====|

**Beef** : xB! I found the solution to our problem!

**xB** : Go on.

**Beef** : Etho come here.

**Etho** : Yes?

**Beef** : *claps twice* Eth-on

**Etho** : *confused*

**Beef** : *smirks* Eth-off *claps twice*

**Etho** : *passes out*

**xB, smiling** : you are my new favourite Hermit.

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** Are you a thief because you stole my–

**False:** I'll give you your wallet back, I'm sorry.

**Stress:** ...heart, what the fuck–

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** I would never say, even as a joke, that Hypno is a mess and I don’t like him. That is not true.

**Jevin:** Hypno is a mess and I like him SO much.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** Everyone, pay attention! I need to make an announcement and I only have one minute.

**Mumbo:** What?

**Iskall:** Why?

**X:** Are you in a hurry?

**Hypno:** No, I was referring to your incredibly short attention spans.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** you know that feeling where your heart skips a beat?

**Impulse, who's been studying biology:** That's called arrhythmia

**Zed:** I get that feeling every time I see y-

**Impulse, now very concerned:** you can die from it

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** How are you feeling today?

**Tfc:** Very depressed, thank you.

**Ren:** You hide it very well.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall, as they're being murdered:** Tell my best friend I love him.

**Biffa:** *sighs*

**Biffa:** Write his number down.

**Iskall:** Okay, but text. He hates talking on the phone.

**Biffa:** Oh for sure, same.

|=====|=====|

**Grian** : everyone is having a midlife crisis at like 16

**Stress** : since I don’t know when I’m going to die, I’ve decided my entire life is just an ongoing crisis

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** so are we flirting right now?

**Ex:** I AM LITERALLY STABBING YOU

**Hels:** that doesn’t answer my question

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** So what's your type?

**Doc:** Tall, oblivious, brown hair...

**Ren:** That kinda sounds like me. Too bad we're just friends

**Doc:** Did I mention oblivious?

**Ren:** Yeah, why?

**Doc:** Just making sure

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**You have one minute to talk to whoever you want (even if they're dead). Who is it and what do you say?**


	31. 30

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** I'm going to go to bed don't do murders.

**Cleo:** Okay Keralis, we won't kill anyone.

**Bdubs:** Fine.

**Biffa:** I'M GONNA BURN DOWN A FOREST!

**Keralis:** Technically not murder, I'll allow it.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** I love you

**X, smiling:** I love you more

**Keralis:** don’t start a fight you won’t fucking win, Void

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** I can’t believe those guys tried to stab me!

**Keralis:** You can respawn. You were fine.

**Stress:** I have feelings, Keralis!

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** I’m going out.

**Cub:** don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

**Keralis:** like what? get laid?

*later*

**Scar:** why is Cub in the corner all sad?

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Keralis, I told you to stop doing that with the knives.

**Keralis, with knives taped to his knuckles:** But Wolverine has-

**Impulse:** I said stop.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Did you know that when you suddenly jerk awake while falling asleep, another version of you from a different timeline just died.

**Keralis:** That fact just messed me up.

**Etho:** It’s actually because your heart rate decreased so quickly that your brain jerks awake to make sure you’re still alive.

**Keralis:** I don’t know which one is worse!

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** I want to be a bartender.

**Tfc:** Guys named Bart, look out.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** If your arm got cut off, would it hurt??

**xB:** Yeah.

**Keralis:** How?

**Wels:** Cause...your arm got cut off.

**Keralis:** But where are you gonna feel the pain???

**Wels:** On your...arm...?

**Keralis:** How are you gonna feel the pain in your arm...

**xB, Keralis, and Wels, simultaneously:** -if your arm is gone.

**Doc, oiling his robotic arm on the other side of the room:** You guys are idiots.

|=====|=====|

**False:** Has anyone ever told you you're really annoying?

**Keralis:** N-no?

**False:** Good, I'm not in the mood to murder anyone today.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** Corpse, apologize to Jevin.

**Hypno:** Fine.

**Keralis:**

**Hypno:** Unfuck you or whatever.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** According to this police report, we’ve got a homicide victim…

**Keralis:** Cause of death: suicide.

**Iskall:** Huh? The victim was beaten to death.

**Keralis:** Suicide.

**Mumbo:** He had shotgun blasts riddling his body!

**Keralis:** Still a suicide.

**Iskall:** And there were eyewitness reports of a “red-eyed supernova”.

**Keralis:** Definitely suicide.

**Mumbo:** I don’t believe you.

**Keralis:** Keep reading the report.

**Iskall:** “Victim was last seen… making derogatory sexual comments to False.”

**Keralis:** (nods)

**Mumbo:** So… suicide?

**Keralis:** Case closed.

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** GUYS!

**Keralis:** Jev, everyone's sleeping!

**Jevin:** Oh, sorry.

**Keralis:** It's fine, don't work about it. What were you yelling about?

**Jevin:** The kitchen's on fire.

|=====|=====|

**Hels** **:** *comes out of changing room*

**Keralis** **:** That shirt is terrible.

**Ex** **:** That is the shirt that he came in with.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes** : I don’t struggle with anxiety, it actually comes very easily to me.

|=====|=====|

**Joe** : I love you

**Keralis** : I love you too

**Joe** : This is real

**Keralis** : I know

**Joe** : You’re my husband!

**Keralis** : You’re _my_ husband!

**Joe** : You married me in front of people!

**Keralis** : I did! I was there!

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** You use emojis like a straight person.

**Keralis** **:** That's literally the worst thing anyone has ever said about me.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis** **:** FriEND.

**Keralis** **:** Best friEND.

**Keralis** **:** BoyfriEND.

**Keralis** **:** GirlfriEND.

**Keralis** **:** Pain.

**Keralis** **:** Only pain has no end.

**Beef:** Can someone please get this man a therapist-

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** Zed, are you ever going to listen to me?

**Zed:** Yes, absolutely.

**Keralis** **:** When?

**Zed:** When you're right.

|=====|=====|

**Keralis** **:** Tango, you're the only one that understands me.

**Tango:** Yes, but it does not mean I care.

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** I’ll take a dry martini.

**Keralis** **, looking at liquid ingredients:** I don’t know how to tell you this-

|=====|=====|

**Grian** : I am so proud of us

**Keralis** : I know - it’s like this warm feeling inside

**Bdubs** :

**Bdubs** : I think it’s because we took one step closer to hell

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**What are your top three Hermitcraft ships?**


	32. 31

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?! YOU DIDNT COME HOME!!!

**Stress:** I-I was at a party!!! Smoking weed!!!

**Iskall:** Don't lie, you were at the LIBRARY you fucking nerd

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** Sometimes I drink milk straight out of the container.

**Grian:** The cow???

**Mumbo:** What?

**Scar:** G, W H Y?

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** *committing another act of treason* YOU'RE ALL DISAPPOINTMENTS.

**Wels:** YOU KNOW WHO HASN'T BEEN A DISAPPOINTMENT YET? HELS.

**Wels:** BECAUSE I EXPECT HIM TO BE A BITCH AND HE ALWAYS IS.

|=====|=====|

[shows a picture of his father and a dog]

**Ren:** Is that your dad?

**Cub:** Yep! That's him and Cub.

**Ren:** He.... named the dog after you?

**Cub:** Haha, no. He named me after the dog.

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** All in all, a 100% successful trip!

**Etho:** Guys, we lost Bdubs.

**Beef:** All in all, a 100% successful trip!

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** I didn't want to do this, but it's the only way we can get the money.

**Jevin:** you'd make a decent prostitute.

**Hypno:** I'd make an amazing prostitute, but I was actually talking about this guy I know.

|=====|=====|

**Zed** : If I was thrown into prison would you help me escape?

**Impulse** : No.

**Zed** : Well you don't have to say it that fast! Think about it. Let's try again.

**Zed** : If I was thrown into prison would you-

**Impulse** : No.

**Zed** : You son of a bitch.

|=====|=====|

**Doc** : Wow. This parking job is as straight as I am.

**Bdubs** : I don't know whether to acknowledge the fact that you just came out to me, or that you just insulted my parking.

|=====|=====|

**X, to Joe:** You can't get everybody here to agree to the same thing. We couldn't even agree on a theme for our summer barbecue.

**False:** It ended up being 1980s Arabian Nights Under The Sea Harry Potter.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** I am not 'full of hate' as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine.

|=====|=====|

**xB:** There's only one way to decide... rock, paper, scissors!

**Keralis:** [scissors]

**xB:** [rock]

**Keralis:** ( •́ ‸ •̀ )

**xB:** No no, don't cry, you won!! This rock is soft!!!

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** Caffeine no longer gives me the rush I need to finish work.

**Joe:** So instead, I have Cleo periodically text me "We need to talk" to give me the right amount of fear and adrenaline to keep me going.

|=====|=====|

**Biffa, in a taxi, answering his phone:** Yes, hello?

**Tfc:** You drank a lot.

**Biffa:** That's why I called a taxi. If I had been sober, I would've driven.

**Tfc:** Where are you going?

**Biffa:** Where do you think? I'm going home.

**Tfc:** You were drinking in your own base.

**Tfc:** Are you that drunk?

**Biffa:**

**Biffa, to the taxi driver:** Sir, where am I going?

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** I just realized I'll probably never be in a long-term relationship.

**BadTimes:** Why not?

**Tango:** Well, last time I dated someone, the person said they loved me and I answered "ew, feelings"

|=====|=====|

**Ex** : I read that capsaicin makes your mouth feel like it's burning because it increases your nerve sensitivity to heat, and menthol works by doing the same thing to cold.

**Hels** : So if I eat a habañero pepper and then chew a bunch of breath mints they'll cancel each other out and I'll be fine.

[later]

**Hels** : Hey, guess what hellfire tastes like.

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** When's your birthday?

**Grian:** Why, so you can look up my natal chart? So you can figure out my weaknesses? So you can destroy me?

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**A, B or C?**


	33. 32

|=====|=====|

**X:** Be admin on Hermitcraft, they said. It'll be fun, they said.

**Joe:** PUT IT OUT! PUT IT OUT!

**Cleo:** IT'S TOO BIG TO SMOTHER! GET THE ANTI-FLAMETHROWER!

**False:** IT'S CALLED A FIRE EXTINGUISHER YOU DUMBA-

**Stress, screaming as something explodes:**

**X, sighing:** Don't listen to them. Don't.

|=====|=====|

**Hels** **:** [watching Ex sleep]

**Hels** **:** I just love them so much, they're my everything.

**Ex** **:** [snores]

**Hels** **:** I can't live like this.

|=====|=====|

**Tango** : Hey long time no see. How ya doin?

**Impulse** : I am fine, thank you for asking! Though recently there has been a darkness growing within me.

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** Woof.

**Doc:** I would never have thought of that.

**Zed:** Okay, can Doc actually speak dog or is he messing with us?

**Grian:** Knowing him, it may very well be both

|=====|=====|

**Biffa, to the group:** Can you guys tell me what Wels is holding?

**Hypno:** a pumpkin

**Jevin:** pumpkin

**Beef:** Spooky orange

**xB:** A pumpkin!!

**Etho:** I think it's a pumpkin..

**Biffa:** Wels, can you tell everyone what you're holding

**Wels:** a Halloween apple!!

|=====|=====|

**Tfc:** You're obsessed with yourself.

**Iskall:** And you're not??? Sad. Tragic.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes** : I never brag

**Scar** : You once called your face the "proof of the Gods' existence"

|=====|=====|

**Keralis:** Here's your coffee. Brewed from the finest Colombian lighter fluid.

**Mumbo:** Thank you.

[takes a sip]

**Mumbo:** Horrible.

[takes another sip]

**Keralis:** Aren't you supposed to be drinking tea, anyway?

**Mumbo:** Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** How are we going to get in?

**Ex:** Don't worry, I'm a master lockpicker.

**Ex** : _*smashes window*_

|=====|=====|

**Ren** : I want kids so bad.

**Bdubs** : So? Go to a playground and take one, stupid. Where do you think kids come from?

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** Wait I just realized that Mumbo gave me new stuff for my keyring the day after he complained that I kept accidentally sneaking up on him because I don't realize how quiet I am. He belled me like a cat and I didn't even realize.

**Ex:** Haha catboy.

**Grian:** Everyone is so mean to me all the time.

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** Looks like we're on Plan B.

**Impulse:** Technically, this would be Plan G.

**Tango:** How many plans do we have? Is there like, a Plan M?

**Iskall:** Yes, but Wels dies in Plan M.

**Wels:** I like Plan M.

|=====|=====|

**False:** Time for plan sparkles!

**Stress:** Plan sparkles?

**False:** We ran out of letters a long time ago.

|=====|=====|

**Ren** : Are you a practicing homosexual?

**Hels:** I don't have to practice. I'm very good at it.

|=====|=====|

**Beef:** Yes, I'm homophobic.

**Beef:** 99% of the problems in my life have been caused by a gay person.

**Beef:** I mean that gay person happened to be my dumbass, but still.

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** Do you think we went overboard with the party decorations?

**Hypno:** Nah, it's cool.

**xB:** The backyard is on fire.

**Hypno:** Aesthetic.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** Do you have anything to tell me?

**Joe:** I do not.

**Cleo:** Okay but, your horoscope said that you're keeping secrets so like, I don't know, I don't wanna call you a liar, but the stars don't lie, so...

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes** : Is Pink Panther a lion?

**X** : ... Say that again but slower

**BadTimes** :

**BadTimes** : I don't get it

**X** : He's the Pink PANTHER

**BadTimes** : Okay! but- is he a lion?

**Scar, walking in** : Bro. He's a panther

**BadTimes** :

**BadTimes** : Is that like a kind of lion...?

**Scar** : No. It's a PANTHER

**BadTimes** : I just googled... They're not pink though?

**X** : AND LIONS FUCKING ARE???

|=====|=====|

**Ex, banging on Grian's door:** G! I need you to hide me!

**Grian, ushering Ex in:** Who's after you?!

**Ex:** Xisuma! I broke his tea cup set-

**Grian, pushing Ex back out the door:** Not a chance. You're on your own. Goodbye.

**Ex:** But-

**Grian:** *slams door*

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**'You' is the answer. What is the question?**

**I want to congratulate everyone who said C on the last question for getting it right.**


	34. 33

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** Ever spill a little bit of your coffee and realize the thread you are hanging on by is actually quite thin?

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** Any questions?

**Hypno:** Yeah, I have a lot of questions.

**Hypno:** Number one: how dare you?

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Why is helping someone hide a body the standard for true friendship?

**Impulse:** Look, if you're in trouble, I'll lie to the cops for you. I'll dispose of evidence. Whatever.

**Impulse:** But please I am begging you, do not make me dig a hole. That sounds so hard.

|=====|=====|

**X** : You are useless at hospitals. I remember one time you cried and cried and cried. It was awful

**Ex** : You're referring to my birth

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** FIGHT ME YOU NERD ASS PUNK!

**Beef:** *cheering him on*

**Etho, pinching his nose:** At least try to sound slightly sophisticated when you threaten someone?

**Doc:** Dost thou wish to engage in a duel, my good bITCH?!

**Etho:** Somehow that is so much worse.

|=====|=====|

**Bdubs:** What is love?

**Cleo:** An emotional minefield.

**Joe:** A neurochemical reaction.

**Keralis:** Baby don't hurt me.

|=====|=====|

**Hels** : *wears a slightly lighter shade of black*

**Flase** : i see you're getting out the spring colors.

|=====|=====|

**Ren:** Are we really going to let Grian keep that skeleton?

**Tfc:** We kept Cleo.

|=====|=====|

*Scar and Cub burn down a building*

**Scar:** In my defense, I was left unsupervised

**Mumbo, sighing:** Wasn't Cub with you?

**Cub:** In my defense, I was also left unsupervised

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** *reading his philosophy homework* What valuable life lesson have the Hermits taught you?

**Grian, eating handfuls of uncooked spaghetti:** That everyone can be replaced.

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** No reason for you all to hate raccoons, they're just tiny dogs in need of a loving and caring home.

**Zedaph:** Dogs don't have hands.

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** I love all of you guys. I'm gonna be at all your funerals.

**Tango:** Why didn't you just say weddings?

**xB:** Or birthdays?

**BadTimes:** More important, why are you so certain I am dying before you?

|=====|=====|

**Biffa:** I think the words you're searching for are "I surrender"

**BadTimes:** The words I'm searching for I can't say because Scar is present.

|=====|=====|

**X:** Why is blood so hard to wash off your hands?

**X:** I JUST REALISED HOW BAD THIS SOUNDS. FOR THE RECORD, I HAD A NOSE BLEED, I'M NOT A SERIAL KILLER.

**Ex:** But we both know that's not quite true.

**Grian:** Hydrogen peroxide dissolves blood, just fyi.

**Tfc:** Do you think if you gave someone a huge shot of hydrogen peroxide straight into their bloodstream it would kill them?

**Hels:** This house is filled with murderers.

|=====|=====|

**Grian:** *smiles*

**Doc:** *shield eyes* whoa I didn't know earth had two suns.

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** Why do people have quiet, respectful funerals? When I die, I want my ashes mixed with glitter and packed tightly into a coffin, and then they blow up the coffin with explosives so glitter rains down on the guests while blasting "Thanks for the Memories" by Fall Out Boy.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**You have 24 hours to hide a key in plain sight. It can't be with other keys and it must be visible from the door. Which room do you hide it in and where is it?**


	35. 34

|=====|=====|

**X and Ex:** *sparring*

**Wels and Grian:** *stunned silence as they stare*

**Hels:** Could you two please pick up your jaws and stop drooling over them? Not everything has to make you two horny for one of them.

**Ex:** *stops sparring to pin Hels to a tree* What now, pretty boy?

**Hels, squeaking:** No comment!

**Ex:** Alrighty then. *goes back to sparring*

**Hels:** Can I stare with you two?

**Wels:** Welcome to the Void Pining Squad. We have chocolate cake and pretzels if you want. G, looks like you're sharing.

**Grian:** Well woopty-doo new boyfriend.

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** Zedaph has a bad habit of just straight up forgetting to drink water, and it drives Impulse nuts.

**Zedaph:** *chugs his sixth Pepsi in two days*

**Impulse:** You need water, Zed. Water. You know what they say. Hydrate or die-drate.

**Zedaph, downing some more Pepsi like it's a shot:** Die-drate it is!

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** What's "Eye of the Tiger"?

**Scar:** "Eye of the Tiger" is the greatest song ever written. It ended the Civil War.

**Cub:** That's not even a little bit true.

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** Hypno, what are you listening to?

**Hypno:** A relaxation tape. The rain is supposed to relax me.

**Jevin:** Is it working?

**Hypno:** Not really. I keep worrying that I left my car windows down.

|=====|=====|

**False:** Do you _really_ think, you can stop me?

**Cleo:** Who said anything about stopping you?

|=====|=====|

**X:** There is always a reason to drink tea-

**Biffa, pouring himself a drink:** -quila.

|=====|=====|

[ _after losing Keralis in a crowd_ ]

**xB** : has anyone seen my friend?

**xB:** black hair, huge eyes, usually wears a construction outfit.

**xB:** clearly gay but we haven't had the talk yet-

|=====|=====|

**Tfc:** Do you need a ride home?

**Etho:** Yes, that would be very kind of you!

**Tfc:** Ok.

**Tfc:** I hope you find one.

|=====|=====|

**Store Worker:** Could Mr. 77 please report to the front reception?

**Doc, arriving at the desk:** Hello, is there a problem?

**S** **tore Worker [points at Bdubs and Ren who are sitting next to the desk pouting]:** I believe they belong to you?

**Bdubs and Ren, simultaneously:** We got lost :(

**Doc:** I didn't even bring you here with me-

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** Can Centaurs slap their own ass to go faster?

**Stress:**

**Stress:** Alright that's it, I'm sending you back to Mumbo

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** Hey Keralis is it true that Beef used to be on the debate team in middle school

**Keralis:** Oh yeah, Beef was on it for a little bit, but he got kicked off

**Mumbo** **:** How did he manage that?

**Beef, walking in the room:** Well, _apparently_ "Yeah? Well _Fuck You!_ ", is not an appropriate rebuttal... 

**Joe & Mumbo: **...

**Beef** **:** See, I _thought_ I had won. After all my opponent was speechless. But I guess I violated the 'cOdE oF cOnDuCt' or whatever 

**Keralis:** He wasn't allowed to go back unless he apologized for that... and for calling the judges 'a bunch of worthless pretentious side characters'... 

**Mumbo:** Hm 

**Joe:** Yeah, that sounds about right

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** Has Grian always had a habit of running headlong into certain death?

**Mumbo:** Sometimes he walks, occasionally he shuffles, periodically he ambles. Once, I'm pretty sure I saw him trip into certain death.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**If the sound of the walls is green and you buy an explosive pencil to drink, what is your favourite flavour of the rainbow?**


	36. 35 [Tango Edition]

|=====|=====|

 **Scar:** I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.

 **Tango** **:** I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

|=====|=====|

 **Ren:** How long does your ideal hug last?

 **Tango** **:** 38-45 minutes.

 **Ren:** That seems... impractical.

 **Tango** **:** You said ideal, not realistic.

|=====|=====|

 **Grian** : You have beautiful eyes.

 **Tango** : * _panicking_ * T-t-thanks I need them to see.

|=====|=====|

 **Tango** **:** *to Zed* You're not the dumbest person in the world, but you better pray they don't die.

|=====|=====|

 **Mumbo:** Why did you stay up so late?

 **Tango** **, looking out the window, baggy eyed:** There is no rest for the wicked

**Mumbo:**

**Iskall** **:** Cat videos. He stayed up watching cat videos

|=====|=====|

 **xB:** Where did Tango go yesterday?

 **X:** Impulse decided he should go to see a therapist.

 **xB:** Really? How did it go?

 **X:** The therapist is now seeing a therapist so...

|=====|=====|

 **Tango:** since I'm gonna be gone for a while, I've left a complimentary bowl of advice.

 **Tango** **, picks a paper out of bowl:** for example, "Zed, stop doing that" applies to everything.

|=====|=====|

*Going through a drive thru*

 **Tango** **:** *Paying for the person behind him* Tell him I think he's hot.

 **Fast food worker:** ... Okay?

 **Zed:** *Drives up to window*

 **Fast food worker:** Your food was paid for by the guy ahead of you. He says you're hot.

 **Zed:** *Rolls his eyes* That's my husband.

|=====|=====|

 **Impulse** : So wait, Zed kissed you and you said 'thank you?'

 **Tango** : Yes

 **Impulse** : Well, that was very polite

|=====|=====|

 **Cub:** BadTimes is an angel that fell from heaven.

 **Tango** **:** *whispers* So was Satan.

|=====|=====|

 **Tango** **:** sometimes i like to place my hands on someone's cheeks, look into their eyes....

 **BadTimes:** oh wow this is actually really sweet.

 **Tango** **:** .....and violently jerk their head until it snaps.

 **BadTimes:** that took an unexpected turn.

 **Hels:** so did their neck.

|=====|=====|

 **Bdubs:** Is anyone else gay and angry this fine Monday morning?

 **Tango** **:** I'm bi and annoyed, does that count?

|=====|=====|

 **Keralis:** Etho, how do I ask someone out?

 **Etho:** Well, first, you-

 **Tango** **:** No, don’t ask him. He asked me out in a McDonald’s bathroom.

 **Keralis:**...

**Keralis:** And you said yes?

|=====|=====|

 **Wels:** toast is amazing. who ever was eating bread one day and was like, “cook it again.” wow. i feel that.

 **Beef:** bro-

 **Wels:** i know-

**Tango** **:** guys stfu i have to kill the dragon in the morning.

|=====|=====|

 **Tango** **:** I’m telling you, there’s nothing wrong with me!

 **Doc:** I watched you apply black pencil eyeliner in the bathroom mirror while crying.

**Tango** **:** Why were you watching me in the bathroom?

|=====|=====|

 **Xanus:** What is your weakness?

 **Tango** **:** I can be uncooperative

 **Xanus:** Can you give me an example?

**Tango** **:** No.

|=====|=====|

 **Tango** **:** I'm worried

 **False:** About what?

**Tango** **:** No clue.

|=====|=====|

 **Biffa** **:** How did you manage to resist our trap?

 **Tango** **:** We’re pretty dumb.

 **Cleo** **:** We _are_ dense.

**Joe** : Dumb as a box of rocks.

|=====|=====|

 **Stress:** What's the fear of getting murdered called?

 **Jevin:** Common sense.

 **Tango** **:** Actually it's called Foniasophobia.

 **Stress:** Thanks Tango...

 **Hypno:** Why do you know that?!

**Tango** **:** Late night Internet searches.

|=====|=====|

**Tfc:** One bonus of being the oldest Hermit is grossly misusing modern slang on purpose and watching Tango cry inside.

**Tfc:** A fine example: the other day I pointed at a death ray and, while looking Tango right in the eye, went “Man, is that bae or what, huh?” and the look on his face was something I will treasure for years.

|=====|=====|

**Tango:** I hate people

**Grian:** Even me?

**Tango:** Especially you

**Impulse:** Even me?

**Tango:** Absolutely not, I love you and we are blessed to have you here

|=====|=====|

 **Hels:** C’mon, Tango! Nobody thinks BadTimes is our son!

 **Tango** **:** *Turns to the Hermits* Put your hand up if you thought BadTimes was Hels’ and Ex’s son.

[Everyone puts their hand up]

**Ex:** BT, put your hand down!

|=====|=====|

*in the middle of X reprimanding Zed for blowing*

 **Tango** **[holding a rulebook]:** holy shit!

 **X:** what?!

**Tango** **:** it says right here that you’re a lil bitch.

|=====|=====|

**Today's Questions:**

**Pick a Hermit and turn their name into an acronym.** ****


	37. 36

|=====|=====|

**Joe** : I am an expert at identifying birds

**xB** : okay, what about those ones flying over there?

**Joe** : yeah, those are definitely all birds

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes, bursting into the town hall:** OK, WHICH ONE OF YOU PUNKS TAUGHT SCAR A SWEAR WORD!? 

**Everyone:** [Looks at Ex] 

**Ex** **:** WHAT THE HELL!? I NEVER SWEAR IN FRONT OF HIM! [Muffled screams as they are restrained and dragged away by BadTimes] 

**-4 Hours Earlier, In the Aque Town-**

**Bdubs:** Ok Scar, lets build this thing! 

**Scar:** Yea! 

**Bdubs:** So, do you want to start with- [Stubs Toe] OW FUCK!

**Scar:** Fuck!

**Bdubs, thinking:** BadTimes is gonna kill me

|=====|=====|

**Hels:** Biffa! My favourite Hermit! The best person in-

**Biffa:** What do you want me to explain this time

**Hels:** What is a "furry"

**Biffa:** Ren

**Ren:** Hey!

|=====|=====|

**Wels** : we can’t go in there, it says 18+ and there’s only two of us

**Beef** : you’re so fucking dumb

**Beef** : just invite more people

|=====|=====|

**Stress:** Wait, I thought you were straight?

**Tango:** ...

**Tango:** Please tell me what on God's green earth I did to make you think I was straight so I can never do it again.

|=====|=====|

**Etho*on the phone*:** Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at school.

**Etho:** Anyways, you said this was a good story idea. That’s great.

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** It’s nice to be wanted, you know?

**Zedaph:** Not by the law!

|=====|=====|

**Grian** : You know, if an adult is a nice person that’s not “innocence.” They learned how to actively be a good person. They’re not some eternal child

**Grian** : Also I’m gonna be real why is it that being nice in general is seen as a childish or immature trait?

**Iskall** : Because being nice gets you taken advantage of a lot more than being an asshole. It makes you naive. Like a child

**Mumbo** : You’re right, “I like to be mean because it benefits me. Being nice is for babies” is a very mature attitude

|=====|=====|

**Jevin:** What are you doing?

**False:** Helping Hypno look for his box of corn flakes that I ate an hour ago.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** so, are you two dating now?

**Ren and Doc:** Yes.

**Hypno:** why?

**Ren:** I happen to find Doc very smart and attractive and-

**Hypno:** yeah, I can understand that. I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Doc's head.

|=====|=====|

**Doc:** everything will be ok. you can not stop it.

**Doc:** everything will be fine. you have no choice.

**Cleo:** what the fuck kinda pep talk is that?

**Doc:** ominous positivity. 

|=====|=====|

**Cub to Tfc:** Keralis has a very strange patchwork of knowledge. It's anybody's guess as to what he knows about ANY given topic. Watch.

**Cub (louder):** Hey Keralis, who sculpted Mount Rushmore?

**Keralis:** Gutzon Borglum, then his son finished it. Why?

**Cub:** Now what state is it in?

**Keralis (scoffs):** I don't know, Ecuador or something.

|=====|=====|

**Random Visiter:** Stop it or I’m reporting you to the server admin

**X, pranking Etho:** I am the admin

|=====|=====|

**Wels, finding blood:** Oh, not good... not good at all...

**Tfc, nodding:** I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but even I know... Your blood's supposed to stay on the inside.

|=====|=====|

**Professor:** The bell doesn’t dismiss you; I do!

**Etho:** Okay.

[the next day]

**Professer:** Why are you late?!

**Etho:** The bell doesn’t tell me to go to class; I do.

|=====|=====|

**Joe:** And what do you say when you feel bummed out?

**X, remembering the one thing Ex taught him:** So no one told you life was gonna be this way

**Joe:** Wha-

**X, clapping through the pain:**

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**What is the opposite of your dream job?**


	38. 37

|=====|=====|

**Iskall:** Biffa! Be careful.

**Biffa:** come on, you know me, Iskall.

**Iskall:** I sure do.

**Iskall:** So be careful.

|=====|=====|

**Mumbo:** Every time I go to a hotel I take a bite of soap, just to mess with people.

**Grian:** You DO realize that by eating soap, you're the one who's losing, right?

**Impulse:** You're just jealous he was brave enough to taste the Forbidden White Chocolate.

**Mumbo:** White chocolate's disgusting!

**Grian:** AND SOAP ISN'T?!?!

|=====|=====|

**Beef & Ren:** we made a mistake. Now are you going to help us fix it or are you going to berate us?

**Bdubs:** I am perfectly capable of doing both at the same time.

|=====|=====|

**Cleo:** I'm immune to mean and hurtful words because Joe says nice things to me every day and his love protects me

**Joe:** I'm immune to mean and hurtful words because Cleo says mean things to me every day, so I'm prepared

|=====|=====|

**Wels:** Do any of you know how to slow dance?

***X raises his hand***

**Wels:** And I mean something other than doing the Macarena at half-speed.

***X puts his hand back down***

|=====|=====|

**Tfc:** I'm fine. 

**Doc:** No you're not, you've been stabbed. 

**Tfc:** But I've been stabbed before, so it's fine. 

**False:** You don't just develop immunity to stab wounds!!

|=====|=====|

**Professor:** You're currently failing your ethics class 

**Etho** **:** [Slides £200 across the desk] How about now?

|=====|=====|

**Cub:** I mean, I would jump in front of a bullet for Tango.

**Stress:** Who's the one shooting Tango

**Cub:** ...

**Stress *pulling out knife*:** Cubfan, who's shooting Tango

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Uh, any other non-terrible questions?

**Jevin:** Is there a health plan?

**Scar:** Just don't die

|=====|=====|

**Hels** **:** Wait you were faking it? Why did you hit me and arrest me, then?

**Keralis** **:** I punched you out of the way, and then took you away so he wouldn't kill you.

**Hels** **:** Oh... Thanks. But did you have to punch me that hard?

**Keralis** **:** Would you have preferred being shot?

**Hels** **:**

**Hels:** Good point.

|=====|=====|

**BadTimes:** I'm gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

**Tango:**

**Tango:** N o

|=====|=====|

**Ex:** Truth or Dare?

**Zed:** Oh, Hypno can't do dares.

**Ex:** Why not?

**Hypno:** I have no regard for my personal safety.

|=====|=====|

**xB** : Must be hard not being able to laugh

**X** : I do have a sense of humour you know

**xB** : I've never heard you laugh before

**X** : I've never heard you say anything funny 

|=====|=====|

**Zed:** Ugh, I told Hels I'd go to the mall with him, but I really don't want to go 

**Grian:** Just cancel 

**Zed:** I can't do that, he's really looking forward to it

**Grian:** You're too nice, firm boundaries are the only way to make people respect you 

**Ex:** Hey G...

**Grian:** No!

**Ex:** [Leaves]

**Grian:** See?

|=====|=====|

**Scar:** Pass the salt. 

**BadTimes:** What's the magic word? 

**Scar:** Or else. 

**BadTimes:** That's two words but point taken.

|=====|=====|

**Hypno:** If you had to choose between Mumbo and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

**Iskall:** That depends, how much money are we taking about?

**Hypno:** 63p.

**Iskall:** I'll take the money.

**Mumbo:** ...

|=====|=====|

**Impulse:** Just be yourself.

**Grian:** 'Be myself'? Imp, I have one day to win them over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?

**Mumbo:** Couple weeks.

**Etho:** Six months.

**Doc:** Jury's still out.

**Grian:** See, Imp?

**Grian:** 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

|=====|=====|

**Today's Question:**

**Fill in the blanks:**

**A group of ______ is called a ______.**

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Summer BBQ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/28963389) by [Fintastica](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fintastica/pseuds/Fintastica)




End file.
